How's That New Life Diet Working For Ya?

Courtesy B. Creasy

Ok, fraidy cats. Time to 'fess up'. A week ago, I encouraged us all toward a kinder, gentler 'life diet'. Sounded easier than it is, didn't it? In the spirit of true confessions, I'll confess. I've taken 2 steps forward and 3 backward some days. Other days, I've taken 3 forward and 2 backward. If I gave in to my fraidy cat nature, I'd throw my hands up in the air, declare this newly born year a disaster in the making, and give up till next year this time.

I can tell how far I've come since last May. Can you? Here's a clue: I am not giving in to my fraidy cat nature. Life keeps on happening till you are not here for it to happen anymore. Our job between now and then is to face the horizon and keep walking. So, I have. Instead of declaring the year over before it began, I decided to be kinder and gentler to me. That decision enabled me to regroup and keep on moving when life happened too fast for me to keep up. 

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Goal #1 was to grade my daily relationship 'report card' using the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I know I struggle the most with showing patience. However, the fact that Son #2 lived to tell about coming down at midnight for a snack tells you I've made some progress in this area! He'd tell you I was totally unloving. I'd tell you he wasn't bleeding after our encounter. Get my drift? Stay tuned as I continue to grade my report card.

Goal #2 involved thinking through short term and long term goals and working on 3 short term ones this last week. I thought through the goals with fear and trepidation. You know how afraid I am of goals coming back to haunt me. For the 1^st time in a LONG time, I didn't feel quite so afraid of life jumping up and biting me for having the courage to try.

The short term goals? That's where all that backward and forward motion came in! I exercised 4 days instead of 5. I did track my eating

Courtesy M. Horrocks

but not as closely as I'd hoped. However, I did lose 6 pounds this week. I'd dance a jig but that's only half of what I gained since August. I'll save the dancing till I'm back to square 1! 

 

The post-Christmas de-cluttering is well underway but not done as I'd hoped. I didn't even TOUCH the desk drawers I'd hoped to re-organize. I decided to call the unfinished goals 'job security'.

Today, just under the wire, I managed to carve out time to make the conference call to my writer friend in Wisconsin. I really didn't want to have to tell you people that I didn't get that done either! You are such demanding task masters. Oh wait. That task master would be me, wouldn’t it?

Courtesy and in Loving Memory of Christina Jones Hooker

My final goal for the week was to work toward getting more rest. Stop. I hear you laughing. Yes, I know it is 1 AM. Yes, I know it is routinely 1-3 AM before I manage to slow down enough to sleep. But, I AM working on it. I AM. I've actually closed my eyes by midnight a couple times in the last 7 days.

As I head on off toward the rest of the year, things are looking up. I owe that to you and to friends who are taking this journey along with me. Today, as Colleen and I met via Skype to discuss the state of our writing careers, we commiserated about our fears. As we began to troll the internet for writing work, I suddenly began to feel encouraged. Having her along to look at things with me made EVERYTHING we looked at look a lot LESS scary. How cool is that?

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Even tho' it hurts to admit I didn't hit all my goals again, I am exuberant that I was able to SET some goals and move toward them. You and I both know I couldn't have done so last year this time if my life depended on it! While I was not getting some of my goals zipped up and checked off, I was working with friends toward other goals that I didn't even envision last week this time. Life is about give and take. I get that now. Do you? Once you do, it is a lot easier to embrace this kinder, gentler life diet.

What have I been tellin' ya, fraidy cat? I told you we needed each other. I told you this little part of cyberspace was a safe place to come in from the cold. Even tho' I had no idea where we were headed, I knew if we kept walking together, things were going to look a lot better before we got where we were going. So, why don't you keep on walking with me a while longer? 

Life is hard. It's scary. It's lonely. Most of the time, you can't tell anyone how afraid you are or how hard you feel like you are paddling to stay afloat. You have to keep your mask on, or someone will know what an imposter you are. Not here, fraidy cat. Not here. We are all in recovery here. Masks not required to hang out with those who are inhabiting this little corner of fraidy cat nation. 

 

Courtesy B. Creasy

Love you long and strong. See you real soon. Or, I'll have no choice but to come looking for you! ;-)

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

My Epiphany and My Wish for Yours....

Courtesy D. Scott

I was new there and really had no idea who the man was. I showed up because it was what I did in those days. I showed up. I didn't know anyone, and no one knew me. But, I had been entranced from my 1^st visit.

I kept showing up because the pastor was amazing. Despite all the years I had spent on a church pew, not a week went by that he didn't tell me something I had never heard before. Or, he told me what I knew but added more information so that I came away feeling smarter and more able to walk in faith every week.

I grew up in old time revival services of the 60's which were known to last as long as 5 weeks. Congregants took only 1 night a week off to catch up on laundry and chores. You'd think with all that church-going, I'd have had a PhD in theology by the time I was 18. I was just as surprised as you that the fella could teach an old church dog like me new tricks. So, I kept showing up to see if he could teach me anything else.

The particular night I found the new and improved name for 'Revival' was 'Bible Conference'. A guest speaker was there. The place was packed. You could feel the buzz of excitement in the air vibrate under your skin. The standing room only crowd included high school-aged kids who hung on every word and took furious notes. All these years later, I know the conference speaker was a noted, famous theologian. No wonder the place was packed out. Ignorance is bliss when you don't know the famous people in the room.

Courtesy A. Hughes

The crowd quieted as the fella began to speak his peace. Honestly, he bored me. Don't tell Mamma I said that. I had opted not to leave because of the enormity of the crowd and the difficulty of climbing over the folks between me and the aisle. I was through biting the inside of my cheek to stay awake. I had finished counting ceiling tiles. I had gone to promising myself and God that if I could get out of the place without snoring, I'd skip the rest of the conference and return when my speaker of choice was back in the pulpit.

Just as my head was about to loll back on my shoulders a la Peppermint Patty of Peanut's fame, the fella's tone changed. I sat up straight. In a few more words, I was on the edge of my seat. “I have a question for you...name one thing God cannot do.”

The audience began to buzz again as quiet discussions broke out. Dismay began to ripple across the audience. “Why...there is nothing God cannot do,” replied an audience member brave enough to speak up.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

The speaker smiled. “Think about it. There is one thing God cannot do.” He stepped back from the audio equipment and allowed more time for the unlearned among us to work on his riddle.

The winning answer made so much sense. Why had I never thought of it before? I bet the young man was a seminarian himself. He was smug and sure of himself when he spoke up, “God cannot betray his nature or his word.”

The speaker's smile broke wide open. “Exactly,” he held up his Bible in agreement, “God cannot betray his own nature nor his word. If he promised it between the covers of this book, he must honor the promise or betray his own nature. The one thing God cannot do is betray himself.” It was not January 6, but it was my moment of epiphany.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

The life pit that opened up beneath me between 1999-2010 has been deep and dark. My situation was fraught with opportunities to develop situational depression. Chronic situational depression led to deeper depression. Before it was over, my counselor said I was in the throws of Severe Trauma Reaction, PTSD's near cousin.

Climbing out has required a combination of meds, counseling, steadfast friends, and steadfast determination. My faith has not always been steadfast. In the worst of times, I'd call MYSELF and leave a voice mail to remind me that my situation was temporary. This too would pass...whatever the 'this' of the day was.

Even when I thought God had forgotten me, I could hear the theologian's question ring, “Name one thing God cannot do.” I would remind myself that God could not betray his own nature nor the promises in his word that are based upon that nature. Even when I could not see how my pain was part of that fulfillment, I clung – with desperate determination – to that truth. A truth I discovered when I was in a place that no one knew my name. A place I went because all I could do was keep showing up.

Courtesy A. Squires

I see you, fraidy cat. Maybe the folks around you know your name but have no idea the pain searing through your heart. You spend your days going thru the basics of life doing only what has to be done. Are you just showing up in places where no one knows your name because that is all there is left to do? I see you.

Your Heavenly Father, the God who created you, sees you too. He has promised to complete what he has started in you and said it was a GOOD WORK. He has promised that he created you with a special purpose in mind that only you can fulfill.

May everyday of 2012 be an EPIPHANY for you. May you discover a little more each day the purpose he has for you. May you find yourself equipped a little more each day to put that plan into place. 

 

Ephesians 2:10 (Amplified Bible)

For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].

Courtesy B. Creasy

Galatians 6: 9 (Amplified Bible)

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

Truth or Consequences at the OK Corral (aka Blogosphere)

The words came leaping off the screen like a lion going for the jugular. The force threw me back onto my chair. I realized I was gasping for breath as if I had just had all the wind knocked out of me. If words ever take human form, I think I met the verbal equivalent of Hannibal Lecter or Jason of Friday the 13th, both horror flick dudes. My visitor might as well have worn a mask as he came bearing the moniker 'Anonymous'. So easy to hide behind that disguise! 

 

It was bound to happen sooner or later given the wild west nature of the blogosphere. Unlike most of my blogging friends, I had not activated the comment moderation feature of my blog. Trust is a good thing, and I trusted my reading public. Till he came along. Sadly, I have joined my wiser friends with more blogging experience. Those of you who have been kind enough to comment in the past will note the addition of that feature if/when you ever post again. (Thank you for your patient understanding as this blog community grows.)

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I considered my visitor's attack for several minutes and then decided to exercise my administrator's option by hitting the delete button. It was a sad day. (The only other time I've done so, I was just learning my way around Blogger. I did it by accident and emailed the posters to apologize profusely.) I did not delete on this occasion with a superior snarl or a sense of smug satisfaction. The words did as intended. They made me doubt myself and 2^nd guess my journey. When you read them, you will understand why:

Gnostic rubbish... I did this and I did that.. just seeking her own glory. The first sentence begins with " I " and the last sentence ends with "I". All this self-glorying is the opposite of Jn. [John] 3:30" He must increase, but I must decrease."  [American King James version]

After several hours, I realized that good fellow could not have been a regular visitor to this haven for fraidy cats. If so, I think he would have been a bit softer in his approach. Attitudes like his are the very ones that drive folks who struggle with their faith to avoid transparency. Harsh approaches like his drive us to pretend our lives are perfect even when we are in pain and our lives are secretly falling apart. 
 

Courtesy A. Hughes

This is a SAFE place for fraidy cats. I understand your fear of judgment and your fear that you will never be Holy enough for the people you know as well as the people who wouldn't recognize you if they saw you walking down the street. People like my recent visitor remind me how scary that fear is and how lonely it is when judgment falls upon you despite your best efforts to walk worthy.

My heart grew sad for someone so determined to reproach me via a kamikaze-type attack. Since he was kind enough to point me to a scriptural rebuke, I wonder why he did not think of this verse when he felt the need to put me in my place:

Matthew 18:15 (English Standard version)

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Courtesy A. Squires

I didn't see him coming or going. He lobbed his attack from a home base of anonymity and then ran away. I hear there are folks like him who make that type of blogosphere hit-and-run a way of life. Oh my word. He almost got the best of me. Thankfully, I know myself and my mission far better than does he. So, I soldier on instead of being quieted by the fury of his attack.

I know the truth of my own life experiences and purpose for this blog. I recognize that there will be consequences for my courage in maintaining this blog. Sadly, I will meet folks like my anonymous visitor. That consequence is one I accept even if it requires that I make a slight change to the format of my blog.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Thankfully, I will be far more aware of those of you who have walked with me, come out of the shadows of anonymity, and shared your story as well. When our paths cross and you quietly pull me aside to thank me for sharing my journey, I will remember him. When you tell me about a friend who has never felt worthy to darken the door of a church but is now a regular attender because of my story, I will think of him. When you email me to tell me that you no longer feel alone in your fear, I will remember him. When you tell me your faith is stronger because I have been willing to speak out of my weakness, I will think of him.

This is my blog. It is my story. It is my journey. Ergo...the pronoun 'I' will appear often. Truthfully, there have been many days when I thought of the issue my anonymous commenter raised before he raised it. His point is, if offered in a different voice, valid. As I examined my heart before I met him and since, I sigh in relief. Your responses prove that I have decreased in your eyes as the one who created me he has increased in your hearts. I am glad I met you before I met Mr. Anonymous. :-) I hope you are glad you met me! 

 

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Oh, fraidy cat, welcome home. I'm so glad you found this quiet place because the world is so full of people like him. We all need a place to take a deep breath, rest, and know the folks around us know our name. Come back tomorrow, and bring a friend? Love you long and strong. See you soon? 
  

Timothy 1:12b (NIV)

Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

A Kinder, Gentler Life Diet

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I'd love to tell you I embraced the plan flawlessly. Alas, I'm not that kinda girl. In the past, I thought a lot about change but did very little of it. Bobbing and weaving from one crisis to another kept me from making long term plans beyond necessary decisions re schooling our boys. After that, my long term goal was to survive. Am I alone in that living-to-survive experience? Something tells me I'm not.

I know I must be in good company because Reader's Digest released a diet book a few years ago aptly titled Change One. The premise is simple: change one eating habit a day, beginning with breakfast menus, and gradually take control of your weight loss battle. I thought that book was made for people like me who had a hard time with grand revisions of life. It was a plan that was so easy a slacker like me could not fail. I did make some changes. I sold the book in a yard sale. It seemed like a great improvement at the time.

Courtesy B. Creasy

That book has come back to haunt me as 2011 has become 2012. Every time I turn around, I hear it whisper, “Change one.” I'm a slow learner but, eventually, I got what my memory was trying to tell me. It is time to embrace change and to begin doing so in a kinder, gentler way...one thing at the time. Time for the Change One Thing at a Time Life Diet, it is.

If I pursue that goal only 5 days a week, I will have moved 20 steps toward new goals and a new life in only a month. If it works, I might write a book. After I think of a new title. Reader's Digest took mine.

I decided to set only 3 goals this week. You know how afraid I am of goals and lists. May I, at this point, advise you to invest in smelling salt stock? I see myself going through a lot of them in the next few days. If I last that long. Don't say I didn't warn you if you don't get rich quick.

Courtesy B. Creasy

How is it kinder you ask? Because if I did my usual Type A thing, I'd make a notebook full of lists which would reduce me to hyperventilation by the time my pen ran out of ink. So, I did make a list of long term and short term ideas to tackle over the next few months. But, I picked ONLY 3 as goals for the week. Ok...I admit. I was light-headed from the stress, but I got it under control with some bag-therapy. You know, breathing into a bag really does help.

In case you are having trouble jump starting your New Year, I'll share my plan in hopes it will inspire you to join me in my kinder, gentler life plan. If you think I wanna set off on this journey all by myself, you are C-R-A-Z-Y. I want to be able to blame it on you when I...I mean...IF I fail to reach my destination.

Goal #1: Keep a daily relationship report card.

Courtesy A. Squires

Just in case anyone out there in the dark and cold of cyberspace is paying attention, I figure I better put up or shut up. So, today, I put my daily report card into practice. As I went through the day, I was mindful of my grading Rubric: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I can't say that I was a shining success and broke new ground in these areas. I can say I don't think I totally blew it in any area with the folks around me today. Whew. What a relief.

Goal #2: Make a list of long term and short term goals for both business and personal pursuits. Pick 3 short term goals to complete this week.

• Declutter our house of Christmas finery and then go thru the drawers of a desk in our living room.

• Conference call with a writer friend as we brainstorm about ways to ramp up our freelance writing businesses.
• Exercise 5 days this week and track my eating.

Courtesy D. Scott

Goal #3: Work toward a better routine in hopes of solving my insomnia issues.

There! That wasn't so hard was it? The only troublesome issue is that my notebook is staring at me. Really hard. Trying to bring out the Type A in me. Old habits die hard, but I have determined that this will be a kinder, gentler year. Starting today.

So, what are you waiting for? Let's de-clutter our lives together. Fraidy cats are almost always afraid of change. You don't think I can make all this happen by myself do you? Take a few minutes and ponder a gentler, kinder life. Get ready to put yours into action along with me. What do you say? We are fraidy cats. Hear us roar.

M-E-O-W

Proverbs 22: 29 (Amplified Bible)

Courtesy B. Creasy

Do you see a man diligent and skillful in his business? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.

Proverbs 31: 27 (Amplified Bible)

She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat. 

If you, like me, struggle to escape the chains of the past, consider this truth as we face the future together! 

...in With the New

Courtesy  Mad Penguin Creative

The ball has dropped, the fireworks have faded, and the Thanksgiving to New Year's season is in our rear view mirror. Now we run the gauntlet of life until the next holiday provides a change of pace. Those of us with school-aged children gaze longingly at the horizon of time eager for the end of the school year to come into our view. By February, we wonder if we will last that long. By March, we wonder if our children will!

Many of us look in the rear view mirror of time and feel a twinge of angst. We see all that we did not accomplish: weight not lost, projects not completed, relationships not mended. Before we know it, the combination of failed resolutions and dark winter days sap us of momentum and rob us of our optimism. Sprinkle the gnawing day to day crises of life into the mix, and it is easy to feel that one can never meet the demands of the day with any satisfaction.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative - 2011

As I've pondered the media blitz re New Year's resolutions and Facebook chatter about the pro's and con's of those efforts, I've felt both excitement and trepidation. This last year has been full of healing restoration. Bit by bit, I feel a foundation coming together that will allow me to accomplish more than I'd ever imagined. Being the fraidy cat that I am, it doesn't take long for me to doubt myself. I am not a goal setter nor a list maker. What am I thinking?

In the last year, I have realized that I feel two emotions with excessive intensity. I feel exceedingly responsible for things over which I have no control and for things that rightly belong to others to 'own'. That heightened sense of responsibility often leads to a sensation of being blameworthy...as if I'm waiting to be found deficient in some way for some thing.

I am not a perfectionist, but I carry enough Type A persona in my genes that it is easy for me to stack the deck against myself. The cycle becomes vicious. My Type A self takes responsibility for too much for too many leading me to feel blameworthy if anyone is frustrated, uncomfortable, or unhappy. Isn't it easy for moms to feel that way? The joke goes: if mamma ain't happy, nobody is. The truth is: if anyone is NOT happy, neither is mamma!

2012 Begins

With all those thoughts in mind, this year I have resolved to be kinder and gentler with myself. I am working toward making our family feel like more of a team by finding ways for us to work together. To that end, my sons now trade off sole responsibility for laundry, kitchen, trash, and bathroom upkeep along with other projects as needed.

Imagine my surprise when Son #2 asked, “Hey, what else are we going to get to do with this new plan.” Yea. I fainted dead away. Who'd have thought one prefers doing the laundry over the kitchen and trash duties and vice versa. What a happy coincidence and win-win for us all!

2 are better than 1....especially when both write

There is method to my madness. A friend and I have agreed to support each other and hold each other accountable for growing our freelance writing businesses. The fellas understand that they are on my support team. Their efforts free me up to focus more on growing my business. In choosing to lean on a friend for support and accountability, I have again chosen a kinder, gentler future.

A few years ago, a wise friend told me that she keeps a checklist of the Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. As she reviews her day, she considers how she would mark her report card. Has she effectively practiced those fruits as she has related to folks around her?

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

In an effort to be a kinder, gentler me, I am going to practice that same discipline this year. Perhaps you'd like to join me in that effort? Imagine the affect on road rage if everyone used those parameters in traffic? Imagine the drop in snarky Facebook posts if we all used those parameters to grade our daily report cards.

I have decided that if someone is unhappy, frustrated, or uncomfortable, it is not my job to rush into the fray and fix it for them. Life is hard. Success comes as one learns to manage the frustrating and uncomfortable for oneself. I hope I learned that before it is too late! Now, let's see how long I can live up to that high goal! It will be hard to bite my tongue and let my sons yammer away till they reach a truce. Anyone have a leather strap I can chew on while I wait?

So, fraidy cat, what about you? As the New Year dawns are you weary, worn out, wondering how you'll get thru today much less face tomorrow? Always waiting for someone, somewhere to point out your deficiencies? Are you like me and rushing headlong into the gap of life to fix the hard stuff when someone around you is frustrated or uncomfortable?

NM 2011

Walk with me for a while? Let's take a kinder, gentler approach with ourselves, each other, and our families. This last 7 months have been an amazing ride here in this little corner of the cyber-universe. Don't you wonder what 2012 will bring and where it will take us? Come back tomorrow, and bring a friend. Tell them you've found a home for fraidy cats who want to come in from the cold.

Love you long and strong. See you soon! 

 

Courtesy B. Creasy

Galations 5: 22-23 (NASB)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 

Here is one of my favorite songs:

 

Out With the Old and....

Pecos, NM 2011

If I think about last January too hard, the sharp pain that follows takes my breath away. No one came to wave a magic wand. Pieces of life still threaten to reduce me to tears if I allow them. This week I realized that I wanted to cry but couldn't. I decided I've been sucker punched so many times that tears no longer come. Either that or I'm just plain too life-weary to work up the energy required. 

 

Thankfully, those moments come with much less frequency these days. If you had asked me on December 31^st of 2010 where I'd be today, I'd have told you in a fetal position like I was then. The darkness seemed too dark to ever outrun. The last decade had left me too exhausted to run. I am so thankful for the changes that have occurred in the last 12 months.

If you had told me I'd have a blog that had merited almost 20K unique visits in only 7 months, I'd have thought you were smoking something illegal. But here we are, and how amazing are the results. Some pivotal relationships have been healed as a result of this blog. The foundation for healing grew as the blog met with increasing 'success'. That success enabled others to see me through different eyes. Respect and excitement replaced derision and scorn.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I realize success is relative given the size of cyberspace and the fact that some viral YouTube offerings get millions of hits. I do not think more highly of myself than I ought. My modest 'success' was enough to set relationships on a road to healing and for that I am thankful.

With that foundation in place, events of the last few weeks have fostered continued healing. An individual whose scorn had driven me to the brink of myself walked through some difficult times. That experience enabled the individual to see me in a more positive and accurate light. 

As does not often happen in my life, the individual with whom I had experienced significant stress came to me and admitted the damage done as well as the source of our stress. I already understood the source and had given grace despite the pain that almost immobilized me. While the imprint of the experience still affects me, I am bathed in relief as the relationship that was broken continues to blossom with healing.

Pecos, NM 2011

So many times in my life, I've had to take difficult stands in difficult situations with difficult people about difficult things. Many times, I've done so all alone. Rather than feeling supported and appreciated, I have experienced criticism and ostracism. It has not been fun.

It seems as if I was saddled with blame deserved by the ones whose wrong doing I stood against. It is a heroic thing to take a stand that others will not take. Sadly, heroes are not always appreciated for their valor. The healing now taking place affords me a bit of comfort for all the times I stood alone and lonely. It gives me strength to keep on standing even tho' my legs have grown weak and wobbly from the effort.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

In years past, I have hated to see the new year come. Something about knowing I would be another year older and life another year shorter made me sad. This year, I am relieved. I am relieved to say goodbye to things that have held me down, pushed me back, and made me feel as if I was the odd man out. I am ready to embrace what is  ahead and reach for a future I never envisioned last year this time.

I grew up in a home where the only goals involved getting through today and doing the same thing again tomorrow. I had imagined I would escape that history as an adult. I grew up, married, and realized that life presented one challenge after another making the attainment of even simple goals unpredictable. Over time, my goal became the same as the family in which I grew up: survival for today and the strength to survive again tomorrow.

Tonight, I take a deep cleansing breath. For the 1^st time in my life, I feel as if I can combine my 'I did it list' with a list of goals I want to accomplish. I don't mind telling you....putting that thought into writing almost gives me a heart attack from the fear that grips me. What if I fail? What if I get so uppity as to set a goal only to find it taunts me by staying just out of reach? What if I don't try at all? 

Ready or Not, Here I Come.....

I tell myself that I do not have to let my 'take no prisoners', Type A personality defeat me. Rome was not built in a day. My new life will be built brick by brick and day by day. The challenge will be in learning to pace myself so that I do not burn out. I am ready. I am a fraidy cat. Hear me roar. Meow. 

 

Isaiah 43: 18-19 (New American Standard)

Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

Courtesy B. Creasy

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New American Standard)

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Santa and the Tricycle Rider

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Perhaps distracted by bitter cold settling down out of the mountains, the Christmas shoppers scurried on past as the little girl danced back and forth from one foot to the other. One wonders what they might have thought had they understood. This shopper might have read her as impatient. That one might have smiled while remembering  her own children needing a public restroom when none was in sight.

“Mamma? Mamma! MAMMA! Can I? Can I, please?”

The mother's brow knit with perplexed concern. It was against their family value system. On another day, she would have answered in the negative and prodded the little ball of agitation on in hopes the request would soon be forgotten amid the haste of the day. If you could ask her all these years later, she might not remember why she relented. The truth is she really didn't think she was relenting when she answered with a challenge meant as a deterrent.

Hopeless Optimist

They locked eyes. If ONLY the request was for the nearest public restroom. The mom shrugged. “Ok. BUT. You have to cross the street by yourself,” came the battle cry meant to stop the dancing dervish in her tracks.

The little girl spun on her heel and marched to the curb faltering only a bit if at all. She was, after all, the tricycle rider extraordinaire. She was familiar with roadways. Today, there was nary a dump truck in sight to foil her plan. She gulped and looked both ways just as she'd been taught. The object of her affection was too close to let a little thing like a main thoroughfare stand in her way.

On the courthouse square was a sight too regal for mortal eyes to behold. In truth, it was probably not much more than the shell of an old timey outhouse that had been retrofitted for the season. But, to a little girl whose eyes beheld magic all around, the splendor implied was enough to fill her tiny eyes with matchless wonder. And hope.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

She gave a short glance over her shoulder and pushed off the curb without looking back. Her trotting steps kept her ahead of the fear of crossing the road alone. She was breathless more from excitement and anticipation than effort by the time she reached his house. Hansel and Gretel's house of candy and gingerbread could not have been any more splendid.

Santa's helper invited her in as a requisite jolly laugh filled up the space within and spilled out the door to greet her. In truth, she took a deep breath to still her anxious heart. Her young head told her tiny heart it was the bravest thing she'd ever done to cross that road and defy the family rules. Yes, she'd done it with permission. Permission did not change facts. In her house, Santa was just a story with which other families toyed.

There might be hell to pay for her little act of permitted anarchy. Still in all, on that cold day so long ago and far away, it seemed worth the risk. She hopped up on his lap trembling from the terror of both him and of what she had done. How could she have grown up to be a fraidy cat?

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

His eyes twinkled just like the story said. Until he began to fight back tears. “Well, little girl, what's your name, and what can I do for you today?” He smelled of stale, but not unpleasant, pipe tobacco.

“Mister, listen? I know you are not Santa. I know he is just a story. Don't worry. I don't tell the kids who believe because I don't want to ruin it for them. If you don't mind, I just wanna pretend. For just a few minutes. I wanna pretend you are real. Will you let me do that?”

His eyes widened and darkened. He nodded his head in agreement. You could see he sized her up quickly as a pragmatist and a realist who needed a break from reality. She had actually asked for something he could provide. He was in on the caper without a 2^nd thought.

Courtesy M. Horrocks

“Santa, I don't have a chimney, but I guess you can figure your way around that if you can figure out how to get around the world in 24 hours. I don't want much. I'd like a baby doll for my baby sister. I'd like some clothes and a record player for my brother. I'd like some tools for my Dad and a new coat for my mom. I know you can't do a thing in the world about that, but thank you for letting me pretend.”

His eyes were wet and shiny. “Honey, do you want anything for yourself?” he asked.

The upturned baby face nodded negatively and gave a little, wise laugh. “No. And even if I did, you couldn't do a thing about it. But, you've done enough. Thank you, Sir. Merry Christmas.”

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

He reached down into the bowl at his elbow and handed her 3 pieces of candy. “Here you go. One for you AND your brother and sister. Have a Merry Christmas, Darling. Santa won't forget you.” He ho-ho-hoed again as she climbed down out of his lap and exited his fairy tale house. This time his laugh rang hollow as if he had given away some of his energy during the transaction that had just occurred.

He promised not to forget me. A promise I am sure he did not keep given the volume of children who visited his house thru the years. I, however, thought of him again this year as I do every year. I closed my eyes and could see Santa's house adorning town square sitting on its perch amid the towering sycamore trees. I could see the glint of tears beginning to form in his eyes as I talked. My heart raced in tandem with the little girl heart headed for an unknown future.

It was a singular act of courage and one I never repeated again. Even today I love to linger and watch the interaction between Santa and children wherever retailers let him set up shop. I watch and remember the gift I was given. I walked into his house a hopeless optimist and came out with an even stronger conviction. No mater what, I would choose hope, optimism, and, yes, every once in a while, even a bit of self-made magic. Even if it scared me to death.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

A new year is upon us. Choose hope, optimism, and – once in a while – even a little self-made magic. Even if it scares you to death, fraidy cat. Love you long and strong. Come back soon, and bring a friend?

Romans 15: 13 (English Standard Version)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.