The Gentle Art of Kamikaze Parenting – Pt. 2

Son #2 - Courtesy The Learning Table

If you came expecting perfection and a well crafted bullet list, you can go back home. I'm not all that, and I don't have my act together. Oh, let me tell you – I could do my research across the wide expanse of the internet and craft a 'how to' bullet list that would make the pride of Oprah, Dr. Phil, proud.

Given the level of desperation parenting I see practiced all around me, that post might go viral. But, I'd be a mask-wearing liar. I swore that off a while ago, remember? So, before you read another word, let me assure you, I am in the trenches with you and not your paragon of expert parenting virtue.

If you didn't come expecting me to be 'all that', you can stay. But, you are probably not going to like what I've got to say. I sure don't. I've been swallowing a bitter pill for most of 10 days now, and it is still lodged in my throat. And my brain and heart.

Son #1 - Happy go Lucky as usual

Before I go on, let me tell you that I proceed here with MUCH caution. Two families that are exceedingly close to me have done EVERYTHING right as parents but now have children who are adrift in this fraidy cat world. So far, neither is in legal trouble. The older one, now in his early 20's, seems to be finding his way out of chaos and getting a handle on things. The younger one, in his mid-teens, has us all scared to death. We pray for that kid 3 times a day sometimes and hold our breath for the next update.

Maybe 1 day I can tell you their stories. For tonight, I will just use them as my disclaimer. In watching them devote themselves to Godly and practical parenting with a perseverance and grit that is indescribable, I have seen that you can do everything right and still have kids who falter. And, I mean...these folks did EVERYTHING right.

So, I have no 'pride of parenting' because I know that kids can falter at any time and place, when you least expect it and think you least deserve it, for no apparent reason that you can uncover. Between walking with these friends and my own sense of parenting in the trenches, I cannot craft a '10 Easy Steps', feel good, 700 word blog post to help you refine your parenting.

2011

Parenting is just plain hard. No, it is relentless in its demands, and the demands do not care how tired you are or how sick you are or how distracted you let yourself become. That's the good news. See...I told you you probably wanted to go somewhere else today!

Sometimes, I tune in to Dr. Phil as an exercise in social anthropology. Lately, I've scanned the parenting related shows and noted a recurring thought that resonated with me. He often tells overwhelmed parents who have caved to their fractious kids something like this:

“You don't put an end to this nonsense because it makes YOU feel good not to. If you don't step up, you avoid the nasty unpleasantness involved in the confrontation you know is coming. It makes YOU feel better to cater to their unreasonable whims. Never mind that you are cheating them. YOU feel better.”

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative - 2009

Do not despair. The noise you hear is not your computer dying. It is me groaning. He shot me right between the eyes. I am not one to back down easily, but the last decade or so has worn me down, remember? It was getting easier and easier to cave over some issues around here. Easier and easier till it was almost unbearable and had to stop.

I faced an unpleasant, distasteful fact. The buck stops with me. Yea. I know. That is covered in the Parenting 101 handbook they give you with the at home pregnancy test kits. I failed to get the memo, or mine was written in Mandarin which I don't read.

I'd love to tell you I came up with some  high-falutin', new fangled system for bullet proof parenting. It's not shiny or new. It's just old, tired, and true. If things were going to change around here, they had to change with me first. I had to toughen up, decide what I wanted, and then believe I wanted it badly enough that the troops I lead knew I believed it.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Here's the thing about kids: you let 'em smell indecision for a nanosecond, and you are toast. It's like a wolf smelling fear. You may as well offer up your throat and say, “Dinner's served!” So, I had to spend several days praying and thinking and deciding to die to myself and that desire to avoid confrontational parenting. Ok...I did a lot of confronting. It just didn't mean anything. So, I had to really think a lot about how to make my confrontations effective vs just the sound and fury of vain ramblings.

The experiment is well under way now. I am happy to say, life is feeling a little more like we are moving forward vs spinning our wheels and going nowhere fast. Now it is your turn to groan (I hope) as I tell you my time is all up for tonight. Why don't you come back tomorrow, and I'll tell you more about my decision to practice the gentle art of kamikaze parenting! Love you long and strong. See you soon, fraidy cat! 

 

Courtesy B. Creasy

Deuteronomy 4: 9 (NIV)

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

 Help Me Jesus by Rich Mullins

The Gentle Art of Kamikaze Parenting

Courtesy D. Scott

I don't even know where to start. Last week was a gauntlet with no visible end. I lived thru it. That's about all I can say. One day my Facebook status read: “I think I'll call in sick...do you think I'll get away with it?” The next day it read: “Forget a sick day, where do I go to resign?”

We all knew it was a joke. I wasn't going anywhere except the closet of social media. I hate to say it out loud, but sometimes I don't need pharmacological help. Facebook is more numbing than any meds would be! Yea, it's true. I shoot up with Facebook and try to forget my primary job in this season of life: parent and HOMESCHOOLING parent at that. It works for about 10 minutes, but reality always comes back to haunt me.

I know I am not alone in my struggles. A friend and I spent some time together last night. Like me, she is worn and weary because of a multiplicity of stressors: finances, 3 kids with unique health issues, homeschooling grades K5, 2^nd, and 7^th grades in the same year, caring for aging relatives, and on and on the list went. Dark circles punctuated her eyes indicating how bone-weary she is.

Courtesy B. Creasy

If we'd been out in the country, I might have feared the coyotes were about to lunge since I'm sure our vulnerability would have screamed, “Separate me from the herd! I'm ready to be eaten!” Thankfully, the lights of the city held them at bay, and we were safe to laugh out our mutual fatigue and relentless journey toward better parenthood.

I'm telling you, it is a fraidy cat world. If we don't stick together, the coyotes are waiting at the door. It is not our tough old hide they want. They want our kids! I am thankful for friends that get me thru when I don't want to keep at it anymore.

This past week, I realized that some habits we developed after I broke my leg had to go. I would have broken us of them many months ago, but chaos followed crisis after crisis until it was easier to embrace them and let them flourish unimpeded. And so, they did until I began to prepare Son #2 for the world of work and driving in anticipation of his birthday this summer. When I realized his 9^th grade school year was ½ over, my sense of urgency grew more compelling. My time with him is running out.

2007

When I coupled his life stage with my desire to prepare for an empty nest by developing a speaking and writing career, I knew it was time to kiss old habits goodbye. I should have warned you to buy stock in sedatives.....cause between the 2 of us, we were going to need 'a few', I feared!

I took some steps to our new and improved, more orderly life. My husband changed some of our computer settings which limited Son #2's access to the internet to certain hours of the day. As you might imagine, that step was a ROARING success, especially when he found out the limitations included any technological gizmo that afforded him internet access.

I tightened up the reigns on our use of time. Kids with ADD, ADHD, and Aspergers can have real struggles with an elastic sense of time. Given the flexibility of our days as homeschoolers, I have been content to work around that issue and concentrate on other battles – till last week.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

As I explained it to Son #2, he is on the cusp of being able to get a part-time job. Thus, the time has come for him to focus on accomplishing tasks in a timely manner or expect consequences. I gave him 4 days to ease into a new routine. I was about as successful as I would have been had I tried to push a cooked pasta noodle through a keyhole. It was enough to make me crazy. And, he knew what he was doing.

He had me sized up pretty well...thinking if he dilly-dallied long enough, I'd work around him like I always have. I quietly disabused him of that notion when he least expected it on day 5. We have a monthly extra-curricular event that he looks forward to with much excitement. Friday came and with it his expectation that we would set off for the event as usual.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

The night before, I explained how our new routine would apply. Friday morning I set it in motion. He did as I expected and meandered thru the morning despite my gentle and ongoing reminders of our new system. Well after our time goal had expired, he came and indicated he was ready to move on to what I had requested.

He realized I was not ready to head out the door and began to panic. I looked up quietly from my work and said, “Oh, we are not going. Unless and until you begin to do what I ask you to do the 1^st time I ask, we won't be going anywhere in the near future.”

I then endured about 20 minutes of raw emotion as he mourned his folly and begged for 2^nd chances. I told him he'd had 4 days of those. He asked, “Help me! How can I calm myself down and get back to work?”

I replied, “I surely don't know. I hope you figure that one out. Let me know when you do.” To my amazement, the drama stopped almost on a dime, and he settled down to the tasks at hand.

I wondered how this week would go. Would I again have to assert my steadfast conviction that our new schedule is here to stay? I am thrilled to say that, so far, I have not. He asks each night what the schedule for the next day will be. When I set it in motion with the morning light, he is on board without much complaint. We are not running at 100% yet, but we have improved 1,000% over last week.

I have learned a few things about myself this last week. Why don't you come back tomorrow, and I'll tell you some secrets! Maybe I can keep you from making the same mistakes and having to learn the hard way like I have! Love you long and strong. See you soon! 

 

Galatians 6:  (NASB)

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.