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| 2011 |
I break out
in a sweat this time of year. It’s not triggered by a frenzy of resolution based
exercise, but I am sweatin’ more than a sinner at one of Billy Graham’s old
altar calls. Everywhere I turn, there’s another blogger blogging about yearly
goals.
If I see or
hear the word ‘intentional’ one more time, I might be sick. My version of
‘intentional’ involves survival. I intend to survive today the best way I can.
I’m a recently separated, homeschooling mom of a high schooler with a learning
disability who is re-entering the depressed employment market after 20-ahem
years at home. I plan to be breathing tomorrow. After that, I do the best I
can.
I established
long ago that I’d rather create a ‘done it’ list than a ‘to do’ list. Instead
of feeling like a fool at the end of the day, I feel more like a conquering
hero when I realize I accomplished something even if not what I planned. I’m gonna feel guilty either way, so this way
I feel less guilty. Feel me, sistah?
Not long
before Christmas, a treasured friend started a group to encourage productivity.
I applauded her on her bravery and tip-toed back into the shadows hoping she’d
forget I existed.
She kept nudging me, egging me on, encouraging me, till I
sighed and signed on. Resistance is futile. I think she knew she’d win if she
appealed to my inner social monster. Who am I to walk away from a par-tay?
In only a
few days of interacting with her other victims, I mean co-conspirators, I had
an a-ha moment about our motley crew. Not a single one of us lives a life of
complacent luxury.
We are all living life in the trenches. The
urgency of life hounds us and leaves us feeling no matter how much we do, there
will always be more to do.
I postulated
that each of us was far more productive than we could, or would, admit. As we
reported in each day, it became easier to see how each of us was mounting a
heroic, unsung, daily effort to serve our families well. Guilt to do more and
be more hounds us all.
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| Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative |
Being part
of this group of friends who strive to do more in a healthier, more organized
way is helping. Having a cheering squad to celebrate with *almost* makes me look
forward to doing more.
Yesterday, I
was near hyperventilating because it was time to start our spring semester. The
load, juxtaposed on top of all my other jobs, was daunting. I turned
to Facebook to sedate myself and only ended up with a bag over my head because
my feed is now populated with amazing women who daily raise my bar.
Pondering my
fate, I realized that for the last twenty years or so, I have lived my life in
suspended animation. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but somehow I lost
me in the noise of coping with two complicated students and a complicated
marriage.
My goals disappeared into their lives until I forgot what it was like
to have goals of my own.
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| Courtesy D. Scott |
I face 2013
with a blank paper begging me to record some goals -just a few. I’m afraid to write them down for fear of
failing before I begin. In this new season of life, I can only redefine myself
if I try. If I do not risk failure, I
cannot enjoy the fruits of success.
Bit by bit,
I am sneaking up on goals, really simple ones, from behind. I figure if they
don’t see me coming, I have a better chance of catching them. I am afraid. It is that simple. I want to be
more than I’ve ever been, but I am afraid I am all I will ever be.
Today’s
simple goals: start
taking down Christmas decorations, get all my user names/passwords organized,
download My Fitness Pal and record progress, complete the school day, run to extra-curricular activities, write blog post.
What my
day really looked like: took down ½ interior decs, got
most of my name/passwords organized, completed Fitness Pal project, covered schoolwork (Lit, Algebra, History, and
Biology), wrote blog post, did 3 loads of laundry, made lunch, made the run to
Fencing practice.
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| Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative |
Those long
term goals will just have to wait till I have time to face them.
Are you
sweatin' to the 'Goaldies' with me? What’s the scariest goal you ever set? Did
you make it?
Proverbs 16:3 (The Message)
Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will
take place.
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| Courtesy B. Creasy - 2010 |
Isaiah 42:16
(Amplified Bible)
And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do [for them]; and I will not leave them forsaken.
