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| 2011 |
I break out
in a sweat this time of year. It’s not triggered by a frenzy of resolution based
exercise, but I am sweatin’ more than a sinner at one of Billy Graham’s old
altar calls. Everywhere I turn, there’s another blogger blogging about yearly
goals.
If I see or
hear the word ‘intentional’ one more time, I might be sick. My version of
‘intentional’ involves survival. I intend to survive today the best way I can.
I’m a recently separated, homeschooling mom of a high schooler with a learning
disability who is re-entering the depressed employment market after 20-ahem
years at home. I plan to be breathing tomorrow. After that, I do the best I
can.
I established
long ago that I’d rather create a ‘done it’ list than a ‘to do’ list. Instead
of feeling like a fool at the end of the day, I feel more like a conquering
hero when I realize I accomplished something even if not what I planned. I’m gonna feel guilty either way, so this way
I feel less guilty. Feel me, sistah?
Not long
before Christmas, a treasured friend started a group to encourage productivity.
I applauded her on her bravery and tip-toed back into the shadows hoping she’d
forget I existed.
She kept nudging me, egging me on, encouraging me, till I
sighed and signed on. Resistance is futile. I think she knew she’d win if she
appealed to my inner social monster. Who am I to walk away from a par-tay?
In only a
few days of interacting with her other victims, I mean co-conspirators, I had
an a-ha moment about our motley crew. Not a single one of us lives a life of
complacent luxury.
We are all living life in the trenches. The
urgency of life hounds us and leaves us feeling no matter how much we do, there
will always be more to do.
I postulated
that each of us was far more productive than we could, or would, admit. As we
reported in each day, it became easier to see how each of us was mounting a
heroic, unsung, daily effort to serve our families well. Guilt to do more and
be more hounds us all.
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| Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative |
Being part
of this group of friends who strive to do more in a healthier, more organized
way is helping. Having a cheering squad to celebrate with *almost* makes me look
forward to doing more.
Yesterday, I
was near hyperventilating because it was time to start our spring semester. The
load, juxtaposed on top of all my other jobs, was daunting. I turned
to Facebook to sedate myself and only ended up with a bag over my head because
my feed is now populated with amazing women who daily raise my bar.
Pondering my
fate, I realized that for the last twenty years or so, I have lived my life in
suspended animation. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but somehow I lost
me in the noise of coping with two complicated students and a complicated
marriage.
My goals disappeared into their lives until I forgot what it was like
to have goals of my own.
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| Courtesy D. Scott |
I face 2013
with a blank paper begging me to record some goals -just a few. I’m afraid to write them down for fear of
failing before I begin. In this new season of life, I can only redefine myself
if I try. If I do not risk failure, I
cannot enjoy the fruits of success.
Bit by bit,
I am sneaking up on goals, really simple ones, from behind. I figure if they
don’t see me coming, I have a better chance of catching them. I am afraid. It is that simple. I want to be
more than I’ve ever been, but I am afraid I am all I will ever be.
Today’s
simple goals: start
taking down Christmas decorations, get all my user names/passwords organized,
download My Fitness Pal and record progress, complete the school day, run to extra-curricular activities, write blog post.
What my
day really looked like: took down ½ interior decs, got
most of my name/passwords organized, completed Fitness Pal project, covered schoolwork (Lit, Algebra, History, and
Biology), wrote blog post, did 3 loads of laundry, made lunch, made the run to
Fencing practice.
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| Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative |
Those long
term goals will just have to wait till I have time to face them.
Are you
sweatin' to the 'Goaldies' with me? What’s the scariest goal you ever set? Did
you make it?
Proverbs 16:3 (The Message)
Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will
take place.
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| Courtesy B. Creasy - 2010 |
Isaiah 42:16
(Amplified Bible)
And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do [for them]; and I will not leave them forsaken.
You're doin' fine, CA. Just remember to B R E A T H E! You are an amazing woman. Survival is all we can really achieve anyway!
ReplyDeleteGood point, Colleen!
DeleteI am not a goal setter, and have the same averse reaction to the word "intentional." Your day sounds busy and productive to me.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good one for getting things done! Except I'm up to late and one of my non-goal goals was to get to bed by midnight. Erg!
Deletelove you my friend. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you too!
DeleteThat's funny, because when I sedate my own self with FB, you're one of those women who raises the bar for me. I don't know how you do it! But I admire you for your courage and your tenacity. Right now you may be in survival mode, but based on your spirit and determination (and awesome sense of humor), I would bet real chocolate gold coins that you'll be thriving in no time.
ReplyDeleteIn one of my darkest and most discouraging days, a verse from Joel 2:25 sustained me: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." I've been through many valleys and mountain top experiences since then, and I know God has done this for me. I share it with you in hopes that it encourages you as well.
Lynetta, I love how my friends believe in me and think I'm superwoman. On any given day, I know you accomplish more than I do. But, I'll take you up on that chocolate gold coin bet! Love you, sweet friend!
DeleteCarol Anne, You are an inspiration. Simply an inspiration. I marvel at your strength and living and doing in spite of all the fears---it is fear to stops most people, I think. Fear of failure. Fear of appearing foolish. Fear of losing something.
ReplyDeleteBut as you point out, without risking the failures we cannot achieve and be all that we are meant to be. I am truly blessed to have met you, my friend.
No more blessed than I am to have met you and, thus, been invited along on this 'doing' nightmare. Ha. I mean adventure! Two are better than one, and you inspire me even more than I inspire you, I think! Blessings as you move forward with our mutual project!
DeleteYes. Just yes. To all that.I am also a single homeschooling mom and I am self-employed. With a special-needs son and another who hasn't been diagnosed yet, but probably will be when I get around to dealing with it. I just read a blog post yesterday that talked about *why* we never get all those "to-do's" done. Honestly I can't remember what she said about that (it was yesterday, after all), but I do remember that when she started writing down everything she did in each day, she stopped feeling as if she wasn't getting anything done. We all do a hundred things each day, even if they're not the things we set out to do. I decided this morning to start keeping a list of the things I get done each day, and then here is your post. Thank you for the confirmation. So, just breathe, make your list of "dones" and I'll look forward to seeing it each day in the group. (No beating yourself up if you don't get to the group every day. You did the stuff whether you tell us about it or not.)
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I often wonder what sets me apart from the 'to do' listers and marvel that they can make the list and assume they are going to get it done. I am evaluating the long standing complexity of my life trying to sort out what makes them 'them' and me 'me' in hopes I will feel more able to feel proactive vs always feeling like a reacter. I wonder: Did they come from goal oriented and uncomplicated families? Are their marriages uncomplicated? Do they have uncomplicated kids that succeed at all they try w/o any special/intensive help? Do they know what it is to have a great plan only to be up all night for nights on end w/ a child who has undiagnosed asthma? If they lived my life for a month, would they whip me in shape or turn, look at me and say, "How DO you get all you do done?" These are the things I wonder. You do more than you think bcz somedays remembering to breathe is a big deal when you have a complicated life! <3
DeleteI am right there with you! I do, do, do so much, but give myself no credit because it's not what I had hoped to do. I like the idea of keeping a "done" list, but unfortunately most of the jobs I do as homeschooling mom (including one with special needs) don't *stay* done. I think that having a group of friends who understand makes me feel a little less crazy and even a little less afraid. Maybe! =0)
ReplyDeleteSara, that is one of my big emotional stumbling blocks as well. So much of what we do is thankless and repetitive. Friends are posting amazing, "Look what I did!" projects on Pinterest, and I'm over here saying, "Geez! I got a toilet cleaned today!" It is demoralizing, especially in the days of little children w/ big issues. As women, we really need to applaud each other for continuing to try even when we can't see the headway we are making. Let me tell you...I will not take clean toilets to Heaven with me nor the cabinets taking years to paint. I could accomplish so much more so much faster if I gave up homeschooling. I cannot pin my boys to Pinterest, but God's pinboard is the one that counts. He sees you. He sees you. He does. Keep at it. Even when no one is there to say, "Yea! A clean toilet and a schooling success today," God does!
DeleteI love you CA! Love, love, love this post! It's nice to know that we're not in this alone. It's so easy to compare ourselves to others, but like my Mom used to say.... when you use other people as your measuring stick, you'll never measure up!
ReplyDeleteI don't get your Fraidy Cat Posts on FB anymore. :-( Glad I figured out how to find you. <3
Thanks for your perseverance in looking! Facebook is not a friend to bloggers these days in its effort to 'persuade' us to pay for promoted posts. Even my friends w/ THOUSANDS of friends have only 10-15% of their fans see their f/b posts.
DeleteLots of my friends are jumping F/B's ship for Google + and their own forums. I think there is a way I can help you fix your settings so I show up in your newsfeed again. Inbox me?
Or you can just look for my Confessions of a Fraidy Cat facebook page by typing it in the f/b search box. My links are on that page as well.