Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A Fraidy Cat Without a Voice

What do you call a writer who lost her voice? I didn’t see it coming, but it didn’t come as a shock either now that I am looking in the rear view mirror of life.

The voice stealer had been circling me at a distance. I could feel him out there like a wolf circling pray in the dark of a winter blizzard. I was edgy. Hyper-vigilant.

I kept moving thinking I’d out run him, and everything would be fine.

It was last year this time. I was on a lovely resort in Florida traipsing around alligator and python infested golf courses in the dark. That’s what friends do when they are lost on a resort in Florida, I guess.

I was with writers and bloggers the likes of Michael Hyatt, and I was a pretender.

I was pretending that life was o.k. and that I was one of them or would be shortly. Months later, a sweet friend from Alberta inboxed me, “I sensed heaviness about you when we were all at Captiva. I knew you were not ok. I am praying for you.”

I made myself scarce while trying to network and connect. It felt like even more of an oxymoron than it sounds.

My marriage was in tatters. I was newly separated and numb. It was hard to put on a pretty, successful face when the whole world felt ugly and cold and scary.

And, I was far from successful at anything. I couldn’t even succeed in my own private life.

A high powered blogger sat down beside me. She keeps a professional distance and seems impatient when dealing with me. I was prepared to give her the needed space to allow me to emerge unscathed.

Courtesy D. Scott
She turned unexpectedly towards me. “You,” she sniffed, “need to stop calling yourself a fraidy cat,” as if I had publicly branded myself with a scarlet ‘F’ for brand failure.

I sank lower in my seat. I don’t remember much of what she said after that. Not that she said much more.

Her words echoed in my ears and mixed with words I had heard a few months earlier from another high powered blogger. You know, the kind who makes more in a month than I made the last year I worked full-time.

“People don’t care about that inspirational stuff you guys write. They want stuff that tells them how to live better cheaper. If you want to make a living, bump the inspirational stuff and write the how to’s.”  (Loosely paraphrased, mind you.)

All those words got mixed up in my head. My throat, my writing throat, got scratchy and dry. The word stealing wolf was upon me.

Courtesy A. Hughes
I was the last appointment for an obviously weary blog consultant widely known for his Google-fu. He makes a substantial living traveling and consulting, and I had finagled five minutes of his time.

I was scared to death. Already quaking because of the other two voices in my head that had made my throat scratchy and dry.
He turned his lack-luster, ‘is it the end of the conference and can I go home now’ eyes to my new web page. The one I still haven’t launched a year later.

His look became quizzical. “This is the best website I’ve seen all day. The absolute best. Hands down. Why do you call yourself a fraidy cat? You, my friend, are certainly no fraidy cat. You need to stop calling yourself that,”

He began to play around with my brand because he has earned the right, with his considerable Google-fu, to do so.

I was even wearier than he – only my weariness had been growing for a life time not just forty-eight hours. So, I smiled a smile as ineffective as worn out dishwater, and said simply, “Oh, but I am.”

And just like that, in the middle of a conference that was supposed
Courtesy D. Ahola
to empower me to blog *more better and enable me to make gobs of money, my voice abandoned me.

(*Apologies to all the grammar nerds for my obvious misuse of language. Take a pill. You’ll survive. I’m sure there are instructions on how to do so on Pinterest.)

If you are a fellow fraidy cat who used to follow me or a new one who has just discovered me, I want you to know – I get you. You don’t have to explain, justify, or qualify.  All fraidy cats are welcome here.

I think I found my voice again. But, I will be a whole lot braver if I don’t have to figure it out on my own. So, would you come back again? Maybe tomorrow? If that’s not too soon? 

If you know me, you know there is more to this story, and I'm not thru telling it.

Love you long and strong. Even when I didn’t have a voice to say so.

Ephesians 2:10 (NRSV)

For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life.

Find Part 2 here.


38 comments:

  1. GASP! At what that blogger said to you! I mean, I've heard the same thing myself. There's no money in this stuff. And I guess that's true, at least for me. But at least it's not boiler-plate drivel that's just aimed at search traffic. Making money has been at the bottom of your priorities, I'm guessing, and I think that's a good place for it, if you really want to be a writer. Sounds to me like Big Blog Lady has a Formula, not a relationship with her readers. :-)

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    1. Oh, girl, she is wonderful, and inspiring, and interactive, and funny. Mostly a carbon copy of me. LOL. And, she is wise in the ways of Google-fu. She just happened to wander into my life at the height of a perfect storm. She would DIE if she knew how her words impacted me that day. So, I'm hoping she never wanders over here, and if she does, she won't recognize herself.

      I know God is using her in my life as iron sharpening iron. I am thankful for her just as I am for you. You always tell me I'm a good writer just when I need to hear it most. And, we must be a purdy awesome duo as often as Facebook keeps trying to separate us! ;-)

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    2. And I totally know I didn't need any of those commas in that 1st sentence. Cause I have grammar-fu. After I read what I write about three times. ;-)

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  2. You know I love you, right? Wish I could strangle a few of those well-meaning people. :(

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    1. Dear Not-Penny, I will always be your Pistachio and I will always be thankful for cold, windy shuttle stops at Dulles. I am thankful for your fearlessness and for your dedication to mentorship. You inspire me even when it frustrates me that I cannot keep up with the blogging world. Those well-meaning people are wonderful at what they do and the advice they give. My story will become more clear as the series progresses. If it doesn't, a few may practice google-fu on me, and it will look a lot like a martial art instead of blogging raised to its highest art form. YIKES!

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  3. Thank you - what a blessing to a sometimes-fraidy cat like me. Praying for you as you share your story, and trusting that it will be a blessing to others as it's been to me.

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    1. Rebekah, your website is the bar to which I strive. So, it means so much that you are inspired by me. This series will not be for the faint of heart. I am thankful other fraidy cats are walking with me.

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    2. My website is just a few purchases that I made to make it look like that. I actually love the wood background you have here - something freeing about that as, to me, it means bare feet, the beach, or a beautiful outdoor fence - it warms my heart and symbolizes places I love! I'm so blessed by your story - have just read part 2. I believe you, that it's not for the faint of heart. Life has a way of being like that, eh? And what I keep having to remember - God's bigger than any of my situations here. He's not bound by my finite perspectives. As a friend says, "God makes our mess into our message." Trusting that is really what He's up to! Much love!

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    3. At this juncture, I fear I am more mess than message, but I have faith that I will see the day.

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  4. Carol,
    You are a beautiful soul. And I know that {and cannot wait until} the more you practice this beautiful soul, the more you will realize it's already there. <3
    xo

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    1. You cannot imagine the irony I saw as your book launch for When a Woman Finds Her Voice coincided with this season of my life. Or how horrified I was when my laryngitis of the soul impacted your Pinterest presence. I am hoping I will be you when I grow up and that others will be as inspired by me as they are by you now. <3

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  5. I'm so glad that you've found your voice again. You have much to share with the world and it is needed.

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    1. And, I am thankful that time nor distance between the SE of USA and Alberta, Canada does nothing to hamper the prayers of a faithful friend. I miss you more than you can know.

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  6. Personally, I do care about "the inspirational stuff...". It may not make tons of money, but your transparency speaks to a world that is hurting and afraid. Thank you. A fellow "fraidy cat".

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    1. Kristi - being see thru is not for the faint of heart. One of my friends recently inboxed me with, "Yea! You are famous!" I chuckled and told her only in my own dreams but that what I want more in the world to be a woman if influence. One who encourages fraidy cats to roar like lions. Thank you for encouraging me on. <3

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  7. Sometimes fraidy cats are braver when they are together. Keep blogging friend. I promise you have an audience.

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    1. The response in numbers and comments today indicates you speak the truth. I am thankful to know I am not the odd man on the outside looking in. Here in my world, it's the fraidy cats who belong!

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  8. Oh, Lordie, don't listen to the first two. There are SO MANY "live better cheaply" blogs out there already. Some are good, some are "meh", none have moved me or given me as much hope and comfort as yours. I am glad your voice is coming back, I have missed it. *hugs*

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    1. I am so thankful for readers like you who read faithfully and hit the share button just as faithfully. Without friends like you, I'd be totally invisible in cyberlandia. Thank you! You mean the world to me.

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  9. You're back! You were very much missed, speaking as one who feels her own inner fraidy cat most every day. For what it's worth, I'm done with the bloggity naysayers, and I'm glad you're putting them behind you, too.

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    1. Oh, I've missed you guys. And not just because you make me feel so loved. I can't believe you missed me. You really missed me? <3

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  10. Dear, Sweet Carol Anne,
    Thank you, just thank you.
    I've chatted it up with you on fb and maybe even twitter. I was barely able to say hi when we met in person. I even accidentally bumped into you again in the crowd and felt horrible. Even after all of that, I admit, I never read your blog.
    Today I did, and today I needed it most.

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    1. Well then, today is when you needed me. I was here, and you found me. See how that worked. I am humbled to have been the one in the gap for you today. <3 And that fraidy cat when we meet thing - stop that. All fraidy cats are at home with me. Even if we scare each other and have to back up and try again. <3

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  11. I love you, sweet friend. You do have a story to tell. You are not longer a fraidy cat. I am so glad that you are back to writing. I know you can help others, as you have helped me. I will continue to pray for you.

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    1. Joy, I fear we have a symbiotic relationship. I am the taker and you are the giver. Thank you for your patient and loving support. For being one of the posse that keeps me sane when I am coming unglued. ((( <3 )))

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    1. That is so much easier because I have friends like you. Because being me is kinda scary. I miss shivering on the beach with you and dodging alligators and pythons with Liz. every.day.

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    1. And, YOU are a faithful friend who has been here almost from the beginning. I'll keep writing. You keep praying.

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  14. This really spoke to me, thank you so much for posting it. I'm pulling for you to find your voice!

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    1. You keep coming back to help me along my way! Thank you for letting me know my words meant something.

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    1. I am glad you are glad, and I hope to have a story of survival to share out of all of this that will be just right for Homeschool Survival! Thanks for supporting me in this time of difficult transition.

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  16. I'm a fellow cat cautiously blinking at you from the safety of under the covers. I'm had many of the same challenges you have, plus a few more. I'm trying to find my voice again, and sometimes it lets itself be heard, but sometimes it doesn't. Stay strong! Josh. 1:9

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    1. Bethany, you are welcome here. Let's find our voice together? The response today has filled me with courage. I haven't felt this empowered in a long time. <3

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  17. It's the first time I have ever read your blog, and the reason I popped over here is because it's called Confessions of a Fraidy-Cat. Since I resemble that remark, I thought I'd see what your blog is all about. Thanks for sharing. I'll be back.

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    1. Thank you for popping over, and I do hope you will come back - often and to stay awhile.

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