What in the World is God Up To?

Courtesy Christina Jones Hooker

After that weekend conference, I limped back into the counselor's office, emotionally speaking, and told her how bewildered I was at my response to the lady in the skybox kitchenette. She smiled, nodded, and didn't look one bit as horrified as I felt. In fact, she told me with due gentleness that I had behaved in a tenaciously faithful way. In her assessment, there was not a hypocritical bone in my body. We talked about Hebrews 11:1 (Bible in Basic English):

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the sign that the things not seen are true.”

It was hard for me to hear those words much less apply them to what I had done. I still wrestle with myself over that chain of events. I wonder what happened to that broken lady. Why did I act as I did even tho' I felt as estranged from God as I felt? Did she begin to turn her life around? Does she look back and remember the day and the shared prayer? If so, does she feel a lift in her spirit? Does she remember it as a point of change in her life? Was I just one more person in a litany of them who had done what they could but whose efforts could not match the epic pain she was enduring?

Wanna know what I wonder most of all? Given that there were 10's of thousands of women in that auditorium, what are the ODDS of that meeting being happenstance? In all that crowd, I ended up sitting with 2 women from a teeny-tiny town most people have never heard of that just 'happened' to be the hometown of my college friend. And, they KNEW her. Chance? No...I think not. What about you? It's almost enough to give a fraidy cat a heart attack, isn't it?

Courtesy Christina Jones Hooker

My pain was so much less than hers, relatively speaking. Yet, the nature of my losses uniquely equipped me to identify and empathize with her on a moment's notice and without much explanation. I felt the same loss of identity that haunted her even tho' the root causes were different. I wonder...in God's bigger plan, were my pain and loss for the purpose of equipping me for those kinds of encounters? OUCH.

Well, now, how in the WORLD can that be? I've spent most of the last 3 years adjusting to the fact that God had no intention of putting me to work for a useful purpose in his big plan. Yet, somehow in the midst of some of my darkest weeks, he had allowed me to fall in beside someone walking in the darkness of life and, for a few brief moments, just walk. Fraidy cats that stick together get a lot farther a lot faster, doncha think? 

 

Tonight, a full year later, I wonder if I will ever understand what God is up to in my life. See that...as weary as I am, I do still believe that he has a plan. The cheerleader in me just won't give up. I am left to rest on a simple thought. Ok...rest is not the word because I find my present state anything but restful. Nevertheless, I have to accept that these words are true:

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Isaiah 58: 8-9 (Bible in Basic English)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, or your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

If you've ever watched a professional wrestling match on TV, you know they just aren't pretty. I don't care how big their muscles are or how flashy their spandex is designed to be. That's just some ugly stuff going on up in that ring...even if it is all mostly make believe. (Shhh! My Pappaw, God rest his soul, is probably up in Heaven trying to convince Jesus himself that it is ALL real. I don't want him to hear I'm not a believer anymore, laugh out loud!)

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Way I see it, life is like a big ole wrestling match. Thing is...it isn't professionally produced with choreographed moves for the audience's entertainment. It is absent the hype and the pseudo-glamour. On any given day, UGLY can walk right into your life unannounced like it belongs and challenge you to the wrestling match of your life. Before you know what has hit you, you wonder who you are. You'll even wonder if you ever really were who you thought you were. You might even wonder if you believe what you believe you believe you believe. You wonder if life will ever be right again. If it hasn't happened to you yet, my guess is you've lived a charmed life and/or you aren't very old.

Courtesy Christina Jones Hooker

I reckon if you've come to this corner of cyberspace and stayed more than a few minutes, you either know whereof I write...or you care about the people who do. I thank you for your kind compliment in joining me in my journey as I write my way back to God. I'm sure hoping he'll find me quickly because I really do want to know what he's up to. Don't you? Come back again soon and maybe bring a friend or two? See you soon, ok? I might even wear Spandex and a cape. ;-)