Tomorrow is a New Day

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Hello. My name is Carol Anne. I'm a fraidy cat. It has been about 13 seconds since my last urge to put my head in a brown paper bag and hyperventilate till I could breathe normally again. Like most of you, I feel as tho' I'm always running to catch up with myself. And, for most of the last 3 years, I've been running to catch up with God. Well, that is until I quit running, fell down a hill, and told God, “I give up.”

Since I was in my first church service at 3 days old, you'd think I'd be all run out by now. Since I used to be God's head cheerleader...or as close to it as I could get, you'd think I'd still be shaking my pom-poms with ferocity. You'd also think I'd be the one posting all those warm and fuzzy status updates on Facebook admonishing folks about how good my faithful God is, wouldn't you? Sigh. Heavy sigh.

To be honest with you, my loneliest times are in those moments when some sincere, lovely person posts one of those posts. You know the ones? They are meant to encourage and admonish each of us to deeper faithfulness. I curl up inside and shrink away as much as I want to shake my head in vigorous agreement. Instead of agreeing with gusto and a hearty, “Amen,” I find myself wondering how I've fallen so far and why. Why have I not been more resilient than I've been?

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I can tell you with sincerity that I do know there is a God who is acutely interested in and in tune with the minutia of your life. Mine too for that matter. So, if that is true, how can I also struggle to find my place in him. Why am I stumbling in the dark trying to figure out who I want to be when I grow up? Why can't I figure out what job he wants me to do in his kingdom? Why can't I figure out if he even has a spot for me on his team?

I've been told to “let go and let God love me” because I don't have to run after him. I've also been told to “hunker down and hold on”. I've even been told I'm too self absorbed and that I need to focus on others and not myself. LOL. If you know me, you know that hardly a day goes by that I don't reach out to someone who is hurting or in need. See, I do know that all those opinions and words of advice were well intended and meant to comfort. So, I hold no ill will toward any of those folks. But, what makes this journey that much lonelier is that most everyone else has some kind of answer for me and is puzzled that I can't see how easy the answers are.

I tell myself that I'm not a leper in China nor am I in famine ravaged Africa with a dying 4 year old that weighs 8 pounds. When I get the occasional hit from some Eastern European country like Lithuania, I wonder, “Does the person who found me even speak English? If they do, what kind of pitiful whiner do they take me for? What does my lack of faith do to them if they are searching for faith?”

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

When I consider those questions, I'm tempted to weep with disappointment at the depth of my own struggle. It grows difficult to write. Shoot. It grows difficult to move or think much less write. And yet, I know I will get up again tomorrow and start this process all over again. I will continue to write my way back to God until one of us finds the other. I will continue to write if I never publish a book, earn an award, or have a blog that goes viral or merits paying sponsors. As much as I love you for coming along for the journey and as hopelessly in love as I am with every little click of the blog counter, this battle is mine. It is not the fight of my life, but it sure is close to it.

I tell myself that in my honesty, I will comfort someone else who feels disaffected, misunderstood, and alone. I tell myself that in doing what I'm doing, I will keep someone else from experiencing this same kind of battle. But, I don't really know if I help or if I hurt you as you journey on.

Through the process of the 81 posts that comprise this blog, I think I've begun to figure a few things out. Last year this time, I was as fractured as it is possible for a soul to be. Today, I realized I feel the old me emerging just a little bit at a time. That person is very, very skittish...a REAL fraidy cat who can be scared back into hiding on a second's notice. And yet, she is there....and getting stronger every day. Maybe in another year I'll know who I'm supposed to be when I grow up?

I think I've also figured out that our fraidy cat world makes it hard for any of us to know who we really are and where we are headed. The ones who know today may not be so sure next year or next week. In our quietest moments, many of you are just like me. You are crying out, “I love you. Do you love me? Check yes no.”

Life has gotten busier now that the school year is beginning in earnest all across the country. If you've stopped by today, I want you to know your visit has meant the world to me. Pray for me because I am praying for you. That's a promise. You don't have to say a thing. Just fall in and walk with me....especially if you are hurting and disaffected. You don't have to explain. I get it. But, do me a favor? Tomorrow is a new day. Get up tomorrow and start all over again. Walk with me till we find the answers we are looking for. Invite a friend whose hurting to come along?

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

Love you long. Love you strong. See you soon, fraidy cat? 

Romans 8:38,39 (Bible in Basic English)

For I am certain that not death, or life, or angels, or rulers, or things present, or things to come, or powers, or things on high, or things under the earth,or anything which is made will be able to come between us and the love of God....