I Am That Woman

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I am the broken one who hides behind humor and a smile. I am the one who asks, “How are you?” and then coo's and murmurs and bathes you in empathy so serene you never guess the truth. Because I do what I do, you miss the vacant stare behind the smile. If I was still long enough and you looked closer, you would see the vacancy signaling a pain deeper than anything I can put into words. 

I am the one who labors in the trenches thinking tomorrow will be a better day. I go through the motions thinking hard work and perseverance can overcome this present pain. Until I know I have done all I can do until there is nothing left to do. Then, there is nothing left to do. But wait. Wait on the good God with the good plan to show me what is coming next.

The face staring back from the mirror is the statistic I never wanted to be: the woman facing divorce after almost twenty-four years of marriage. This has been a hard fought marriage with many, many counselors and an infinite number of prayer warriors all aimed at patching up brokenness that never seemed to end. From where I sit today, all the effort, mine and theirs, was wasted.

Time has gone and cannot be regained. The monster that has dogged our steps every day of marriage finally caught up with us and washed us away. Even a 2nd wedding could not patch up what was broken before it began. God hates divorce. His mercies are new every morning. Hope springs eternal. Random thoughts come and go. They always end with, “I am that woman now.”

I think about the days of death and dying and wonder why, “Fire on the mountain, run boys run,” does not pound through my soul now as it did then. I am just as numb with grief. I am that woman.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

My gift of words fails to describe my exhaustion. I sleep but do not rest. I wonder how long it has been that sleep and rest went hand in hand. I breathe deeply trying to quell the sadness and panic threatening to overcome me. I look back and know that all the hard things I have already endured have been my boot camp. 

This monstrous thing is hard. Suffocatingly hard. Watching your mother sign the orders to turn off her life support systems – that was the P90x of preparation for this horrible, nasty moment. I endured those endless days in ICU. I will get through this challenge the same way I got through that one. Intact. 

Instead of the relentless beat of the Marshall Tucker Band, the only words that come are whispered: 

So, this is what it is to be that woman. 

I wonder when the backlash will start. When will the Christians begin to whisper? When will the, “God hates divorce,” emails and phone calls commence? I am prepared. I will look into the eyes of the women who try to mop up my mess with their inexperienced words of wisdom, and I will know.

I will know that when they least expect it and believe their hard work has been sufficient to prevent it, they might find themselves looking into my mirror. And so, I will smile the smile that covers up the vacancy in my soul and coo and murmur and reassure until they forget their original mission.

I will do so to leave the door open wide enough for them to overcome shame and fear and come back again. When they look into their mirror and see my face, when they are shocked to think, “Now it is me, Now, I am that woman,” I want to know I left the door open for their return.

And now, now I sit and wait. I wait on my good God to be faithful to his good plan because no matter what, I believe. I sit with my sons, and we pray. There is a good God, and he is too sweet not to trust. So, we pray for the strength to trust no matter what.

I choose again today to trust him even with this pain that I could not out run. And, in the end, I hope to say for once and for all: Jesus is too sweet not to trust him. I can commend him to you because he was sweetest when the pain was greatest.

Many thanks to all who bear my burdens. You are too numerous to name, but you are Heaven sent gifts. Thank you for teaching me and inspiring me. Thank you for strengthening me. Especially to Jackie for uttering the words, “Jesus is too sweet for me not to trust him.”

Ephesians 5:1-2 (The Message)

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.