Friday, October 5, 2012

Dancing on Broken Glass

Courtesy D. Horocks
I wish I knew when walking on eggshells became dancing on broken glass. Looking back now, I can't tell you when one ended and the other began. I am sure of one thing. I am so weary I almost have to think, “Beat, heart, beat. Breathe, lungs, breathe,” to make sure both keep happening.

When my heart does beat, the thud resonates like the peal of a blacksmith's hammer on anvil. Is this what a broken heart feels like? I saw it on the news: broken hearts literally kill some women. I can understand why.

This thing that is happening to me, to us, is like some great flu taking me to the brink of emotional death. In the process, the physical exhaustion leaves me feeling like the victim of some fearful tropical disease. Sleep, even deep sleep, does not bring energetic enthusiasm with the dawn of day. I just keep doing the next thing and the next thinking I will eventually find that I've awakened out of a nightmare.

By permission and in loving memory of Christina Jones Hooker
When I wake up, I find that I am again in the midst of some tortuous replay of the day before. My own personal and inescapable version of the movie Groundhog's Day. In the process, life is dragging two sons along with me. Even though they are no longer little kids, they have begun to do what kids do.

They are taking their own inventories and seeking reassurance that they did not cause or hasten what is raining down around us. Tears fall. We sit together and pray. I say over and over, “You did not cause this separation nor did you hasten it. Let's be as calm, reassuring, and encouraging of each other as we can. Let's not let this sadness wash the rest of what we are away.”

How do you celebrate a milestone, a birthday, when 'we' are no longer 'us'? What will happen to us next month or next year? What will we do for money? The questions have begun to mount as the sons get brave enough to ask. I repeat what I repeated with daily regularity when we were homeless:

God wastes nothing in his economy. He is a good God with a good plan. He will redeem our loss in his good time.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
Inwardly, I grieve wondering if my words will be sufficient for any of us. There's school to do and chores to stay caught up on. There are decisions to make, activities to attend, and a new career to foster. I struggle against the tide of anger and frustration that over-washes us when we least expect the flood. After we are spent, I try to do the next thing despite the fatigue of brain, spirit, body, and soul.

I tell myself this new place is preferable over dancing on broken glass. When I am alone and it is safe, tears begin to fall. Early on, they are slow and quiet like the first spits of rain on a hot summer day. The soul-clouds holding back my agony reach the saturation point of no return. My sobs are thunderous and echo as if bouncing off mountain walls.

Did I give all I was to a cause that was lost from the beginning? Did I give up too soon? Should I have given up long ago and salvaged what I could? Who will I be when this mess is less a disaster scene and more a Superfund clean up site? Will my sons survive intact? Are they already broken beyond repair because of choices I made or did not make?



Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
My thoughts meander through the terrain of Biblical truth with which I am so familiar. God hates divorce. His mercies are new every morning. He makes all things new again. He turns our mourning to dancing. He will give us a heart of flesh for a heart of stone. He knew my days before one of them was numbered. The words seem as foreign as they do familiar because I have never walked this way before.

I look for poetry in the pain. I seek consolation in the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. I tell my good God that I want to know him in the way that sets me free to say, “Jesus is too sweet for me not to trust him.” I am still that girl who wants to be his head cheerleader even after all these years and all this wrestling. 


And so tonight in the quiet of my waning tears, I whisper, “Even in this pain, I will trust in you. Give me strength to keep on walking and do so in such a way that others will see you when they see me.” 

Hello, fellow fraidy cat. Have you forgotten when walking on eggshells became dancing on broken glass? If you are walking a broken, lonely walk, I get your pain. You don't have to say a word. Just let me say, “You are always welcome here. Come back    again real soon and stay awhile?” 

Psalm 34: 18 (The Message)

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.



22 comments:

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    1. I couldn't find a way to leave a comment on a new thread, so I thought I'd hit reply on this one :) Just to let you know that am praying for you. And you write beautifully.

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    2. Ngina, thank you for your perseverance in finding a way to reach out to me. Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers. May God bless you in your journey with him!

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  2. You are a beautiful witness to the work of Christ in you. Truly. It shines through every sentence you write.

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    1. Ginger! I have no idea how this post slipped by w/o my reply posting. Thank you. My earnest prayer is that Christ would shine thru the brokenness of my life and that my words would be his and his alone.

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    2. ha! I had left one. I knew it! Well, I meant this one too!

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  3. Thank you, and please, Lord, let that be true today and tomorrow and the next day.

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  4. I think about you a lot. I know this has to be such a tough time for you and your boys. You'll not only survive, you'll thrive ... I just know it. Big hugs and I agree with fadedginger.

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  5. Trust yourself too, knowing that God gave you a beautiful, giving, loving heart to guide you.

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    1. That, lol, is easier said than done. Maybe if I weren't such a fraidy cat?

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  6. Hi Carole Anne,

    It's my first time to visit your blog, found you on Twitter. This post is achingly beautiful and I can really relate, even though I felt all these same feelings 24 years ago. So, my unsolicited advice from a stranger? On the tough days, imagine yourself as the Phoenix, rising from the flames. Go easy on the blame...would you talk to your BFF in the same way you torture yourself? Nope, you'd love her. Finally just like doing a gym workout, this current struggle will build your soul muscles and as you go along, you'll find a new strength to be the most beautiful you, I promise.

    Hang in there, you CAN do it! <3
    Rose. :)

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  7. Thank you so much, Rose Marie - for both the advice and the kind words about my blog post. Where I'm headed seems way too far from here. Folks like you lift my day in ways you cannot imagine.

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  8. I feel every word. You have articulated my own experience.

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    1. <3. I didn't leave a reply since we talk all the time. Realized it made you appear 'ignored' in this thread. Love you and thank you for your perseverance thru your own ongoing/difficult days!

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  9. I don't share your experience, but do share the ravages of a broken heart. I healed because God finally could wake me and I leaned on him all the way.

    You've illustrated what faith is here. It is not looking at situations with blind eyes and a closed mind. It is using God's support and power to trudge through the wreckage and keep what will help -- and be brave enough to cast out what will only serve to weigh you down, like an anchor.

    I'm thankful that Sheila highlighted this post today.

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    1. Amy, bless you for your encouragement and for taking the time to follow Sheila's link over here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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  10. This is a beautiful post that has touched my heart tremendously. God blessed me by allowing me to leave a 14 year abusive relationship. I, too, struggled with the feelings and thoughts you are having. God is with you every step of the way and He will bless you in ways beyond your wildest dreams in His time. My prayers are with you and your children.

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    1. Donna, thank you. I continue to pray for the broken places to be healed and that while healing is underway, God will use my brokenness to light the way for others. Thank you for your prayers and may abundant blessing flow out of them. For you and for me!

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  11. Thank you so much for your words. It OS exactly what I needed to hear today. I followed the link from to love honor and vacuum email that I receive. I almost didn't even open the email because I didn't think I would be able to handle words of encouragement for strengthening my marriage that fell apart on Monday after walking on broken glass almost throughout the entire short-lived marriage. Thank you for being a source of support for a complete stranger today.

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    1. Dear sweet friend, my heartfelt prayers go out to you tonight. May God himself draw near to you, comfort you, and give you a peaceful sense of direction. May he revive your spirit and nourish your soul. I know God's perfect will is for restoration. I pray that you and I both will see that sweet, sweet desire come to reality in our lives. Lean into him. He is too sweet not to trust! He sees your heart and loves you.

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