Thursday, October 18, 2012

River of Tears

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I jabbed the radio button letting the soulful Latin strains swell up and around me until the music became a magic carpet. I didn't understand a word of what I heard, but it didn't matter. I floated up and away till I was weightless. The relief was unexpected, welcome, and shocking.

More and more in the last few weeks, I sought this same refuge. At first, I was afraid to trust my magic carpet of escape. This time I sighed a ragged sigh of emerging trust and let myself be washed away.

I felt like a fern unwinding from the tight furl of infancy. I let myself float above the storm that consumed me. I tried to remember when I had not been holding on to rigging for dear life.

From the safety of my magic carpet, I looked below. I saw a river of tears, twenty-three years in the making, stretching out behind me. I could feel those tears pushing me along into a future I could not see. The current had been subtle and quiet until the storm reached a final frenzy. Then, the current erupted into an irresistible force.

May 2012
Looking back, I could not explain how the current was born or why it became strong enough to spur me to act in ways I never imagined. I had been without a gyroscope so many times but always found my way. This time was different. This time the storm had ripped away the mast, rigging, and motor of my life along with the gyroscope.

The words began to rain down around me like scud missiles of the soul. The boom was deafening and soul-shattering. I had endured before. This time the words were almost fatal. "You! This is your fault! You started this. Now you finish it!" It was a gentle introduction compared to what would follow.

When it was done, nothing was left. Not even a hint of who I had always believed myself to be. I folded inward in the days afterward trying to match the me I was with the me I had been dubbed. What
was true? What was false? How to know the difference among the voice that echoed in my head.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
When the current began to build into an irresistible force, I reached for the two-year-old bottle of pain pills. Three cracks in one leg had not hurt nearly as much as a broken soul. I swallowed one and eased away on another kind of magic carpet. A few nights later, one pill became two. Before too long, I found myself reaching for a third.

I held it in my palm and wondered how long before two would fail to numb the pain. How far was the leap from one to ten magic pills, and when would I stick the landing with both feet planted fully in the land of addiction? I dropped the pill back into the bottle and went cold turkey waiting for sleep that would not come.

I ventured out into public with decreasing frequency. I was sure that if what I had been told about me was true, I should cloister myself to protect me from public ridicule and disdain. If those epitaphs were false, I could not remain where I was and survive. I was dying a slow death of the soul. Of that fact, I was sure.

Slowly, slowly I began to fight may way back. I told myself I was up to the task. I could make peace with where I was and where I was headed. Success lay in the ability to quiet the noise in my soul. Drown out that angry voice, and I would survive.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
If only it had been that simple. The storm would wax and wane but never wear itself out. Looking back at my river of tears, I count the cost of each one. Was it worth it? Will I ever know?

I thought of Lot's wife, turned to salt because she disobeyed the angel's warning not to look back at the life she was fleeing. She was fleeing to safety in advance of God's hand of wrath, and yet what she was leaving was too familiar, maybe too comfortable, to believe flight to safety was necessary. She looked back and was frozen in time – a pillar of salt.

Oh, I am not her and yet I understand being frozen in time. I understand looking back and wondering 'what if' and 'what now'. A future I never dreamed of looms ahead. It is ominous. I close my eyes and let the music carry me away. I tell myself the one who created me knew this day was coming. I tell myself he saw twenty-three years of tears.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
What about you fraidy cat? Has life become a river of tears with a past that drives you into a foreboding future? You don't have to say a word. You are welcome here. Walk with me? Come back again. I'll be here.

Psalm 56: 8 (The Message)You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.



15 comments:

  1. You give your pain a voice that expresses not only the sorrow but the hope. Leaving a short comment seems inadequate, but I want you to know that I am reading and thinking about what you've said.

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  2. You are such a sweet, sweet blessing at this juncture in my life. The twitterverse is such a wide open space. I'm amazed that you found me and that you are kind enough to care. <3

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  3. This is one of those times where I feel my words would be inadequate. You are a strong woman Carol Anne, despite the whole Fraidy Cat thing. I am in awe of you. I know whatever your future is, it will be a great one. God has great things in store for you, I just know it.

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    1. From your lips to God's ears, sweet friend. You just aren't here to see my fraidy cat quaking and shaking. Believe me, fraidy cat is the accurate description. Especially just now. Thanks for the prayers and encouragement.

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  4. Carol Anne, I've been awake since 2:30am and finally got up at 4. I don't know why I couldn't sleep, but I thought I might as well get up and attack the massive To-Do list that never ends.

    Of course, the first thing we do in this technology-driven life is check email. And there was your post. I decided to glance over it as the coffee brewed.

    But I couldn't just glance. Within the time it took to read a few sentences, you had drawn me in...again. The word pictures, the gut-wrenching transparency held me until I had read every word. My heart ached for you... again.

    I remembered a time, years ago now, when I first read your blog in the wee hours of the morning. I needed to get to bed, but instead, your words compelled me to read more, to hear your heart, to feel your cry for help from a God you wanted to trust, but weren't sure if you could.

    I want you to know--and never doubt again--you are gifted. You are valuable. You are needed. You are loved.

    You are a writer.

    Don't ever stop believing that.

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    1. Vonda, I thank you for your great kindness to me in sharing this bit of consolation and encouragement. On the days when I doubt, am afraid to believe, and tell myself to forget, words like yours are incredible comfort. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

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  6. I'm so happy you have your music and your writing (and, or course, your sons). I relate so much to everything you put on paper. I feel like fadedginger, my response seems inadequate, but what I've grown to love about you most is I'm sure you don't think that at all. Hugs!

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    1. You are right. I don't think that at all. I am only humbled that God, in his great mercy, has filled my life with amazing and wonderful friends who daily practice the gift of encouragement. Present company included!

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  7. This is so incredibly, beautifully written. Heartfelt and utterly descriptive of your pain, it helps us to share in your suffering and rejoice as you climb above the waterfall of emotion. Love you, my dear one. Just one suggestion.... no more spider pics! Don't you know I have arachnophobia?

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    1. HA! No spider pics for you nor snake pics for me. Check and check. Thank you for your appreciation of my pain and my words. Thank you for your friendship. I am thankful for friends like you who stand in the gap of life. Or in my case, gaps. :-/

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  8. Carol,
    I don't know why I "stumbled" onto this blog...yes I do.
    I am a fraidy cat too. You display such courage and honesty here. I have written a book for people who are discouraged, like you and me, and I am trying to find a publisher now. You do know that Jesus came for the sick, not the healthy don't you? Everybody that names the name of Christ may appear like they have it all together on the outside, but "man in his best estate is vanity." Just keep crying out to Him, He has big shoulders and can take it, and won't get tired of you coming either. He loves it when you come to Him instead of trying to do it yourself.
    Megan

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  9. Carol Anne,
    This was haunting and beautiful. I loved the verse you wrote and the end and copied it down to share with my own "magic carpet rider." Thank you for being transparent and for creating word pictures that draw us into your life. You are a fantastic writer!

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    1. Jane, I am so utterly blessed that we became instant friends thanks to Allume. When someone says my words are 'haunting and beautiful', I look around to see who they are really talking to because it surely can't be me! I have you and your friend on my mind daily and eagerly await her updates. See you in the tweetosphere!

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  10. Megan, Given the frayed nature of my life right now, I have not done a great job of keeping up with my blog comments. Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement and Godspeed in your search for a publisher! I am sure your work is just as encouraging as this blog comment. Fraidy cats like me need folks like you!

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