Out With the Old and....

Pecos, NM 2011

If I think about last January too hard, the sharp pain that follows takes my breath away. No one came to wave a magic wand. Pieces of life still threaten to reduce me to tears if I allow them. This week I realized that I wanted to cry but couldn't. I decided I've been sucker punched so many times that tears no longer come. Either that or I'm just plain too life-weary to work up the energy required. 

 

Thankfully, those moments come with much less frequency these days. If you had asked me on December 31^st of 2010 where I'd be today, I'd have told you in a fetal position like I was then. The darkness seemed too dark to ever outrun. The last decade had left me too exhausted to run. I am so thankful for the changes that have occurred in the last 12 months.

If you had told me I'd have a blog that had merited almost 20K unique visits in only 7 months, I'd have thought you were smoking something illegal. But here we are, and how amazing are the results. Some pivotal relationships have been healed as a result of this blog. The foundation for healing grew as the blog met with increasing 'success'. That success enabled others to see me through different eyes. Respect and excitement replaced derision and scorn.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I realize success is relative given the size of cyberspace and the fact that some viral YouTube offerings get millions of hits. I do not think more highly of myself than I ought. My modest 'success' was enough to set relationships on a road to healing and for that I am thankful.

With that foundation in place, events of the last few weeks have fostered continued healing. An individual whose scorn had driven me to the brink of myself walked through some difficult times. That experience enabled the individual to see me in a more positive and accurate light. 

As does not often happen in my life, the individual with whom I had experienced significant stress came to me and admitted the damage done as well as the source of our stress. I already understood the source and had given grace despite the pain that almost immobilized me. While the imprint of the experience still affects me, I am bathed in relief as the relationship that was broken continues to blossom with healing.

Pecos, NM 2011

So many times in my life, I've had to take difficult stands in difficult situations with difficult people about difficult things. Many times, I've done so all alone. Rather than feeling supported and appreciated, I have experienced criticism and ostracism. It has not been fun.

It seems as if I was saddled with blame deserved by the ones whose wrong doing I stood against. It is a heroic thing to take a stand that others will not take. Sadly, heroes are not always appreciated for their valor. The healing now taking place affords me a bit of comfort for all the times I stood alone and lonely. It gives me strength to keep on standing even tho' my legs have grown weak and wobbly from the effort.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

In years past, I have hated to see the new year come. Something about knowing I would be another year older and life another year shorter made me sad. This year, I am relieved. I am relieved to say goodbye to things that have held me down, pushed me back, and made me feel as if I was the odd man out. I am ready to embrace what is  ahead and reach for a future I never envisioned last year this time.

I grew up in a home where the only goals involved getting through today and doing the same thing again tomorrow. I had imagined I would escape that history as an adult. I grew up, married, and realized that life presented one challenge after another making the attainment of even simple goals unpredictable. Over time, my goal became the same as the family in which I grew up: survival for today and the strength to survive again tomorrow.

Tonight, I take a deep cleansing breath. For the 1^st time in my life, I feel as if I can combine my 'I did it list' with a list of goals I want to accomplish. I don't mind telling you....putting that thought into writing almost gives me a heart attack from the fear that grips me. What if I fail? What if I get so uppity as to set a goal only to find it taunts me by staying just out of reach? What if I don't try at all? 

Ready or Not, Here I Come.....

I tell myself that I do not have to let my 'take no prisoners', Type A personality defeat me. Rome was not built in a day. My new life will be built brick by brick and day by day. The challenge will be in learning to pace myself so that I do not burn out. I am ready. I am a fraidy cat. Hear me roar. Meow. 

 

Isaiah 43: 18-19 (New American Standard)

Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

Courtesy B. Creasy

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New American Standard)

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Hello, Mamma?

Courtesy Aly Hughes

(Several weeks ago, my cousin alerted me to a contest NPR was running. She said, "You are all over this!" With apologies to my dear cousin, a writer in her own right who humbles me with her belief in me, I did not complete this short story by the deadline. So, for your reading pleasure, may I present the contest entry I SHOULD have submitted!)

So many strangers have climbed down off'n that bus. Any more, I don't pay much mind. Some days, I don't even see it come or go. Only sign I see is the empty toilet paper roll I gotta change after they on down the road.

I still don't know what it was. A stirring in the breeze that kicked a tumbleweed across the front window of the diner? The fly buzzin' 'round the pie case that caught my eye and made me look that a-way? All I know is I looked up in time to see that door snap open, and there she was.

Pecos, NM

The bright lights of my concrete oasis had her feelin' with her feet so she wouldn't tumble on out. She stopped a minute, shivered against the desert cold, and folded in on herself trying to conserve her body heat. Sun was just peepin' over the horizon and hadn't melted the chill from the dawnin' day.

Shoot! I seen some hard luck cases come thru here. Shoot. Ain't nobody come off them buses ain't got some sad story to tell. Mostly, they on their way from one hard luck place to a harder one. She seemed outa place like she won't any more familiar with her circumstance than she was with her momentary surroundings.

She looked 'round uncertainly – waitin' to take her cue from the other nomads filin' off the bus. As the crowd headed toward the snack machines and bathrooms, she seemed to collect herself. She broke from the herd and headed toward my door.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

“Mornin',” I allowed as I eyed her and the pair of flies that had joined forces makin' themselves ta home. I took my dishrag and swatted the air. The flies abandoned their pie-lust and evacuated to the safety of the front windows.

“Um..ahem..I..uh.. I was wondering if I could sit for a bit?”

“Fine by me. That bus gone roll on outa here by quarter after whether you on it or not. Next one through in two days. Nearest town fifty miles. Suit yourself.” Over the years hiding away here in this corner of nowhere, I'd gotten pretty good at warning folks off if'n they got too close.

Her sigh and shoulders both sagged as she sank onto the bar stool. She'd be gone soon enough along with her worries. I don't make small talk. I left her to her own devices.

I guess she forgot I was there 'cause it seemed like she was talking to herself. “I can handle beginnings. It's endings I don't know how to do.” Her voice trailed off for a few seconds. “I wish...I wish I coulda told them I was leaving. I just didn't know how. I couldn't take it no more..ya know. It was then or never, so I just made my decision and left before I could stop myself. I guess they'll forgive me one day......”

Pecos, NM

She looked out through the plate glass windows and shrugged a limp, weary shrug. Her face knotted up to cry, but no tears came. If I had to guess, I'd say she'd cried her tears all out a long time before she staggered down off'n that bus into my hideaway. I could tell right then, she was gonna be shrugging that shrug for the rest of her life....just like me.

The sun was beginnin' to wash the sky in daylight as the passengers stopped millin' 'round and headed back to the bus. She slipped off the stool and headed back herself. Her walk told me her feet were dragging her where her heart wasn't sure she wanted to go. She stopped, turned around, and looked at me as if she was seein' me for the first time. “Sure is peaceful around here,” she says, “Take care now.”

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

The air brake let off a reluctant hiss as the bus lurched back onto the ribbon of road to nowhere. I pulled a slip of paper out of my apron pocket. The creases were so deep that it would become a jigsaw puzzle any day. I ran my fingers over the numbers. Wonder if it would ring if I dialed it? My heart dragged me over to the phone despite reluctant feet that kept asking if I was sure.

My hands shook as I dialed the numbers. My heart echoed in my ears when it rang. “Hello....Mamma? Is that you? It's me...me....yea..it's me!”