Friday, December 30, 2011

Out With the Old and....

Pecos, NM 2011
If I think about last January too hard, the sharp pain that follows takes my breath away. No one came to wave a magic wand. Pieces of life still threaten to reduce me to tears if I allow them. This week I realized that I wanted to cry but couldn't. I decided I've been sucker punched so many times that tears no longer come. Either that or I'm just plain too life-weary to work up the energy required. 
Thankfully, those moments come with much less frequency these days. If you had asked me on December 31st of 2010 where I'd be today, I'd have told you in a fetal position like I was then. The darkness seemed too dark to ever outrun. The last decade had left me too exhausted to run. I am so thankful for the changes that have occurred in the last 12 months.

If you had told me I'd have a blog that had merited almost 20K unique visits in only 7 months, I'd have thought you were smoking something illegal. But here we are, and how amazing are the results. Some pivotal relationships have been healed as a result of this blog. The foundation for healing grew as the blog met with increasing 'success'. That success enabled others to see me through different eyes. Respect and excitement replaced derision and scorn.
Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative

I realize success is relative given the size of cyberspace and the fact that some viral YouTube offerings get millions of hits. I do not think more highly of myself than I ought. My modest 'success' was enough to set relationships on a road to healing and for that I am thankful.

With that foundation in place, events of the last few weeks have fostered continued healing. An individual whose scorn had driven me to the brink of myself walked through some difficult times. That experience enabled the individual to see me in a more positive and accurate light. 

As does not often happen in my life, the individual with whom I had experienced significant stress came to me and admitted the damage done as well as the source of our stress. I already understood the source and had given grace despite the pain that almost immobilized me. While the imprint of the experience still affects me, I am bathed in relief as the relationship that was broken continues to blossom with healing.
Pecos, NM 2011

So many times in my life, I've had to take difficult stands in difficult situations with difficult people about difficult things. Many times, I've done so all alone. Rather than feeling supported and appreciated, I have experienced criticism and ostracism. It has not been fun.

It seems as if I was saddled with blame deserved by the ones whose wrong doing I stood against. It is a heroic thing to take a stand that others will not take. Sadly, heroes are not always appreciated for their valor. The healing now taking place affords me a bit of comfort for all the times I stood alone and lonely. It gives me strength to keep on standing even tho' my legs have grown weak and wobbly from the effort.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
In years past, I have hated to see the new year come. Something about knowing I would be another year older and life another year shorter made me sad. This year, I am relieved. I am relieved to say goodbye to things that have held me down, pushed me back, and made me feel as if I was the odd man out. I am ready to embrace what is  ahead and reach for a future I never envisioned last year this time.

I grew up in a home where the only goals involved getting through today and doing the same thing again tomorrow. I had imagined I would escape that history as an adult. I grew up, married, and realized that life presented one challenge after another making the attainment of even simple goals unpredictable. Over time, my goal became the same as the family in which I grew up: survival for today and the strength to survive again tomorrow.

Tonight, I take a deep cleansing breath. For the 1st time in my life, I feel as if I can combine my 'I did it list' with a list of goals I want to accomplish. I don't mind telling you....putting that thought into writing almost gives me a heart attack from the fear that grips me. What if I fail? What if I get so uppity as to set a goal only to find it taunts me by staying just out of reach? What if I don't try at all? 

Ready or Not, Here I Come.....

I tell myself that I do not have to let my 'take no prisoners', Type A personality defeat me. Rome was not built in a day. My new life will be built brick by brick and day by day. The challenge will be in learning to pace myself so that I do not burn out. I am ready. I am a fraidy cat. Hear me roar. Meow. 


Isaiah 43: 18-19 (New American Standard)
Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.
Courtesy B. Creasy

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New American Standard)
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.


  1. We are hard pressed from every side, but not crushed.

  2. Great post, Carol. Thanks for sharing. I pray 2012 will be filled with hope, and drained of fear. You're not alone on the journey, I've missed you at the monthly meetings. :)

  3. Thank you for sharing your gift with words through your blog. God bless you, and may 2012 be everything you pray it well be.

  4. Your are all very kind. I appreciate your kindness, encouragement, and support as I continue my journey. You have each played special roles in my development as a writer and in my growth as a person of faith. Thank you.