Sunday, May 6, 2012

So, We Meet Again...GULP (Pt. 2)

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
Her comment hung in the air taunting me, tormenting me. She had to go there, didn't she? “If your husband is not 100% behind your efforts, you might as well go home and shut it all down. I meant it. It's not worth it.”

Her assertion was couched in the middle of other worthwhile and instructive material. The others probably heard it and moved right along with her. Again, we had one of those cone of silence moments, Rachael and I. As some Southerners might say, “Ironical, isn't it?”

They other keynote and break out speakers had all touched on the topic of faith, spouse, family, and home (in that order) coming before our blogging ventures. No big surprise. After all it was a conference by and for Christian women who both homeschooled and blogged.

While many worked from home via their income earning internet platforms, they were stay at home moms. It was almost like singing to the choir. To us, it wasn't that we were drinking the party line Koolaid or repeating a scout-like oath. It was a conviction we sacrificed to practice – faith, spouse, family and then everything else.
I slunk down in my chair and began to lick my wounds. I looked around at all the other successful women imagining their cozy marriages and thinking, “Here I am again, an imposter. I was one a year ago. I'm still one. Poser.”

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
Back in January, I had almost done exactly what she said. I lost my words. My finger hung over the blog delete button for hours every day. The only thing that stopped me was knowing the blog was a journal of my way out of darkness. What if I needed it one day after I tossed it into the big recycle bin of cyberspace. Delete meant forever.

As words failed me, so did my readership. Those stats that should not define me plummeted to zero. Nobody cared if I drifted away and never came back. Who was I kidding? Nobody cared. It wasn't worth the uphill battle I was fighting and had been fighting for most of 25 years. The blog was not the only thing I was considering deleting from my life.

By the time I got to the conference, we had reached an uneasy truce. The monster in the shadows had retreated again, but I knew he was out there, licking his chops, pacing back and forth, waiting. I wake up every day feeling his hot breath on my neck and hearing his fevered panting in my ear. He wants us. Satan wants us as one more divorce statistic, and he is using the monster that hides in the shadows of our lives to wear us down. Day in and day out. Year in and year out. It. Never. Stops. We keep fighting. We are exhausted, but he is indefatigable.

Courtesy A. Huges
Again, I wanted to jump up. Only this time I wanted to scream, “Point of order! You don't know me. Don't be getting all up in my stuff when you don't even know me!” The same geyser of tears I had fought back when we met in '04 tore open. Again, I was drowning in the tears I was barely holding back. Lamaze breathing is not just for labor, let me tell you.

I sat numb for the rest of the session knowing I had a call to make before the plane took off for home. I carried on as if I was just like everyone else and was a ferocious note taker. I asked questions during Q&A's and amassed more information than I knew what to do with. All the while, the heaviness of the phone call I had to make occupied half my mind.

I rushed out of the last session, and there she was. I had already deferred her prayers. She came rushing to me, arms outstretched to wrap me in prayer. She prayed despite having no clue as to what she was praying for. I murmured my thanks and dashed away but not in time for her to miss the soul-tears that were drowning me.

I sat in the silence of my room. Bags all packed for the airport shuttle. I stared at the fraidy cat in the mirror while my hands shifted my phone from one hand to the other. I watched myself in the mirror as I made the call.

We have to talk. Things are a mess. They've always been a mess no matter how hard we've worked to clean them up. This new thing I'm doing, that I think I can do, my head is about to explode with it all. But, I have to know. Are you 100% behind me or not? Because it can't be 100% today and then 25% tomorrow. You either have to be all in or all out. When I come home, I need you to tell me which it is. Because if you do not know in the depths of your soul, that you are 100% behind me, I'm pulling the plug on the blog and my ideas for my writing career. I'll never look back. I have to know. What do you want me to do?”

The quiet on the other end was pensive but not unfriendly. He was weighing the impact his abusive past has had on us and wondering how it might manifest itself in the future. “I'm in. I'm all in. I want to see you succeed. I believe in you. I do.” Finally, I cried.

Courtesy Mad Penguin Creative
The monsters are still out there. The one who seeks to kill and destroy as well as the one that gave him a helping hand decades ago. As much damage as they have done, we have lived to fight another day. The blog is a testament to our grit, our determination, and our love. Try as the monsters might, they have not deleted us.

Love you long and strong. Even when you feel like an imposter who's ready to hit the delete button. Come back soon and bring a friend?

John 10:10 (Message)
A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. 



  1. You are amazing. ;0)

    I went on a blog hiatus for 2 months last year, because God was tapping on my shoulder and telling me that the important things were getting away from me. (Never mind that I had this epiphany while I was laid out flat and delirious with bronchitis---it seems I listen better when I'm too sick to do anything else).

    My husband agreed, but also agreed when it was time to go back to blogging. All that to say: sometimes we take some detours and that 100% might not always be there, because we humans are ever-changing things.

    This conference was a confirmation of everything I knew in my heart, it was a very good thing, but I'm still slowly processing it all.

  2. If only I felt amazing. I am blessed to have friends that will lift me up when I fall down. <3

  3. I'm praising God with you that you have 100% support from your hubby! The devil has no power to delete you!

    1. Vonda, it was a huge milestone for us. Satan does not need my help with the delete button. :-/ I can do delete all by myself. ;-)

  4. Satan LIVES for our self doubt, to tear us down and separate us from God. Very proud of you for facing your fears.

    1. Doesn't he, tho', Dianna? I told some friends that all it takes is one whisper. Then, I'm off and running to do his dirty work for him! You'd think at my ripe old age, I'd have the world by the tail. Thankfully, my blog enables me to connect with lots of folks who know understand my journey!

  5. Gracious.

    There you go again.

    You have a gift. Do not deny it and do not deny the blessings it brings into your life and others.

    I, for one, am better for knowing you and being in your circle.

  6. oh...I am so thankful that your story is hopefully having a different ending from mine.

    Although, God continues to use my hurt to bring my healing and works in very mysterious ways.

    Divorce is ugly. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But God (one of my most favorite phrases) has a way of taking our mess and giving us back something amazing, beautiful, wild beyond our imaginations.

    Love you

  7. Aimee, like you I weep over the marriages that come to a bitter end but am so thankful for the healing you are experiencing vi your new family and husband who has a Godly, servant's heart. Jeff and I keep up a good fight because he has been so courageous in facing the specter of a past over which he had no control. I hope the day will come when he can share that courage with men who understand his battle from the depths of their souls!