Breaking news: Scientists confirm-- cause of ADD

No. It is not vaccines. No. It is not sugar. No. It is not red dye. No. It is not high fructose corn syrup.  No. It is not hydrogenated corn oil. NO! IT IS NOT CHOCOLATE. Whew...that was too close for comfort! I don't know HOW I'd survive without all that stuff!

dining room before

Scientists have confirmed that the root cause of ADD is home renovation projects. HGTV plus home renovation projects cause both ADD and insanity! There IS no antidote, so I suggest you do not pick up the 1st paint brush, hammer, or screw driver. For gosh sakes, do NOT buy your husband the FIRST power tool! I had survived 19 years of marriage and only picked up a paint brush 1 time. I saw the folly of that mistake as soon as I fell thru the attic ceiling into son #1's bedroom.  (But, that is a story for another day. However, had I not come down with paint brush induced ADD, I would have been paying attention to what I was doing and NOT fallen thru.)

dining room after

You'd think I would have learned a lesson with that practice sky dive I did from the attic to the 2nd floor, wouldn't you? But, NOOOO!  Once we got back on our post-Chapter 13 feet again, we just went and added gas to the fire as soon as we could by purchasing ourselves another house that had good bones. ROLL. MY. EYES.

before

We bought a house with good bones that ONLY needed updating. Remember the shiver that news sent up your spine? We shivered too...with excitement. If only we'd known! We'd watched too much HGTV and contracted insanity. We had delusions of grandeur and thought for a brief shining moment that our lives were like the lives of people on TV. We forgot those people have big ole trucks that roll up to the front door with all kinds of sponsor supported helpers and materials. No one warned us that if you take the DIY approach, you get sucked into a black hole and can only find your way out again if someone ties a rope around your waist to pull you back thru before it is too late. It's too late for us.  Save yourselves!

after

back door-after

I didn't know who Ree Drummond was when we got this house. I sure knew who Martha Stewart was.  I really thought I could be just like her when I got all growed up at age 51. Then, I fell and broke my leg right after my husband moved to a new state for a job. No one tells you --not even Martha, Ree, or Oprah-- that if you do that, painting one room takes more than a year instead of less than a week! Then, they don't tell you that once you paint, you have to have a new light fixture because once you get the walls all spiffied up, the old light fixture looks so passe that you just HAVE to do something about it. Then, you realize the old PURPLE...yea...you read that right...PURPLE HVAC return vent clashes with your classy looking high gloss white trim. So, you gotta go change that too. Then you realize those old metal outlet and light switch covers would look a LOT better if they matched your high gloss trim. As if that weren't enough, you realize you MUST recover the seats to the dining room chairs. Once you've gotten that done, you discover that the chair backs have sustained damage after umpteen moves in umpteen years and 2 yrs in storage. They are cracked beyond repair. So much for seat covers.

Before you know it, your eyes are bouncing around the room like a pinball on Crack, and you don't know what to pay attention to first. You make the mistake of leaving the dining room to go to the kitchen to get some chocolate to try and calm your nerves. Before you can blink, you start to notice that just painting the ceiling and walls won't be enough in there either. The cream cabinets have tarnished to nicotine yellow way before you moved in. So, you have to redo all the cabinets. And the back door needs to be red, so it can match the front door which, you noticed on the way into the kitchen from the dining room, would look really smashing if it was red. The blue backsplash you bought with the house didn't match the original kitchen and sure won't match your spiffy new kitchen. So..you guessed it, the backsplash and under cabinet wall paper has got to go.

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I am out of breath just typing this update. EURKEA! I have discovered another scientific fact! Renovations cause ADD, insanity, and hyperventilation. I bet all those scientists are going to thank me for figuring that out for them. And, you can thank me too! I just saved you a WAD on taxes because no tax sponsored study will have to be funded to figure out the link between home renovation and hyperventilation. I'm also proud to advise that no animals nor trees were harmed in my very scientific study. My work for today is done. Fraidy cats rule!