Sunday, June 5, 2011

Fraidy Cat Bucket List

Well, let me start right off by saying I'm afraid the term 'bucket list' is intellectual property and that blogspot will shortly be taking down my blog.  Since I am presently under the influence of muscle relaxers, I'm thinking I can plead insanity.  Lucky for me, I have all of  you that  I can call as character witnesses to plead my case! I knew this blog would be a win-win for me at some point in time! Where is that coupon for a get out of jail free card?

I know you are asking, "Why muscle relaxers?"  Because I am allergic to home renovation and knew better, but I still got up on my kitchen ladder and painted those cabinets. I think it is a repetitive stress injury. I'm afraid the doctor will call it old age.  I like my diagnosis better. I also think I see another letter in the near future for Martha and Ree.  Pretty soon, we are going to be on a first name basis. They really should practice truth in advertising!  I was going to try and make homemade marshmallows too.  Then, I remembered that old adage, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." The grocery store had a 2 for 1 sale. Crisis averted.

The next thing you need to know is that I don't make lists.  I learned not to make them a long time ago.  I'm not exactly sure where I learned it or when I got so good at it.  If they gave gold medals for list avoidance, I'd have to go out and get some little gold lame outfit sorta like ice skaters wear, so I could stand up on that little podium and weep ever so delicately while all ya'll sing the National Anthem. Well, we'd ALL be weeping because once you saw cellulite from my neck to my knees, you'd weep  uncontrollably. How's that for taking off my fraidy cat mask and admitting the truth?

All joking aside, lists make me hyperventilate because, other than a grocery list,  I've never been able to live up to one. Sometimes, I've even failed grocery list 101!  When we first got married, a couple in our Sunday School class went away every New Year's weekend to plan goals for the next year. They had the audacity to spell it all out for us one Sunday. Yea, I hated 'em. In all Christian love, of course. Bless their hearts, honey.

I tell myself life stomped the ability to make a 'to do' list out of me.  I used to try to make them. As sure as I did, a son would come down with a 106F temp.  No, that's not a joke. If someone wasn't running a fever, I was preoccupied with the educational needs of 2 boys who learned in a-typical ways. Planning for that endeavor expanded to fill the time allotted, so nothing else got planned.  Or, I was facing a huge crisis like my husband's near fatal asthma attack or bout of sepsis.  Then, there was the loss of a home and Chapter 13 because of a protracted period of unemployment and COBRA payments that were more than our house payment.  After a while, my list went something like this:

Remember to breathe. 

So, here I am on the cusp of empty nest syndrome. I am trying to be who I've always wanted to be when I grew up. I am paralyzed by the fact that I can't make lists. Well, I can make them, but I'm afraid I can't make them happen! Betcha your bottom dollar my list aversion really has something to do with fear of success or fear of failure or both. If I make the list, I might fail. If I make the list, I might have to hold myself to a higher performance standard and then learn to accept success.  What a conundrum! So, everyone take a deep breath (but don't suck all the oxygen out of the air cause I'm gonna need some), I'm about to go on the record.

Wait...maybe not. No, I really think it's time. Hmm....I'm not sure.....AURGH!

  My fraidy cat bucket list:

* start  freelance writing business/sumbit 3 queries re freelance pools
* contact local Chamber of Commerce
* launch Fraidy Cat Homeschoolers blog
* attend writer's breakfast and critique group
* investigate fall writer's conference in New Mexico
* go to an indoor rock climbing wall and harness and ALLLL my cellulite

* look at an Outward Bound program for women
* make appts with 10 courageous people to interview for this blog

* submit 3 queries re freelance articles
* get back on the Vegan wagon which I fell off of the week of the conference

It's a good thing I'm on painkillers because if I wasn't, I'd pass out cold right now. Diagnosis: fear.  In some way, my entire future rests on each of those things.  Right now tonight, they seem as possible as my going on a shuttle mission--which I can't do since the last mission has launched! I'm afraid I won't be able to follow my dream or reach my goals. I'm afraid I'm not organized enough. I'm afraid I won't be able to work fast enough to give my husband the breathing room he needs as his health continues to decline. I'm afraid I'll try and look like a fool when I fail. 

Well, it's time to suit up again.  Nike's and scuba gear vs garden party hats and gloves. This week is going to come and go no matter what I do.  If I do nothing, the fraidy cat wins again. And, since I've delivered his eviction notice, I really have no choice.

So, what about you? What are you afraid of, and what are you going to do about it this week? 

1 Corinthians 16:13- Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith, be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.  (NIV)

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