Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Fraidy Cat Says There's a New Sherrif in Town...

I'm still thinking on how much fear reminds me of ivy!  What about you?  I'm thinking about the tools I need to rip it out and kill the roots.Tonight, it seems like a journey too arduous to tackle. It feels like fear has won. Today has been a fearsome day.

My husband gets a little sicker every day.  No one can figure out why.  He finally has an infectious disease consult on the calendar next month. Before that, he has surgery to look forward to. One doctor thinks he might have a rare form of a neurological disorder.  No one really knows. I feel the pressure of needing to develop a writing business by next week this time in case he gets too sick to work....or worse yet, dies. He missed a good chance 2 wks ago.  If we'd have been a little longer finding him, I'm not sure he'd still be here. I've hit the ground running, but going from 0-60 at my age is a herculean feat. I'm not sure I can run fast enough to beat what's ahead for him.

I'm worried that my almost 14 YO Aspie son is in some measure of emotional, spiritual, and even physical danger because of bullying. I'm concerned that parents don't talk to each other the way they did when I was his age.  So, trying to approach the ones involved is not an option. At least not a friendly, helpful one.

I'm afraid that starting this blog was about the dumbest idea I've ever had, that you will grow bored with me, and that you will make a solemn oath in the mirror to tell your friends about the Pioneer Woman instead of me! I'm worried I'm not funny enough, or spiritual enough, or insightful enough, or instructive enough  to keep you coming back for more. I'm afraid to go to the monthly breakfast the local writer's group has scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I'm sure they will see the word 'loser' tattooed on my forehead. I'm afraid I'm not really a writer no matter what they say.

I'm afraid my boys will marry and move on to be closer to their wives' families instead of being close to us. I'm worried about growing older.  I'm worried that my husband and I will never have the marriage we could have had because of his family history of abuse. I'm afraid he will never be free of that specter of abuse.

 I'm afraid God loves you more than he loves me. There. I said it. 

As you can tell, my life is full of ivy! The way I figure it, the world we live in cultivates ivy. Kudzu grows up to 8 ft a day in the summer.  I'm thinking fear can grow at triple that rate.  Osama's dead, but fear didn't die with him. The stock market is back up, but the price of gas is up too.  They say unemployment is down, but I bet you know at least 1 person for whom that has made no difference. The world was supposed to end yesterday. It didn't, but now some people will worry that the Mayans called the right date for the end of the world instead.

It doesn't really matter if the fear you fight comes from within or without. The results are the same. Carry it around long enough, and you become less of who you were supposed to be. You might do like I did for so many years. You put on your Sunday go to meeting face and convince the rest of the world that you have your act together. In some cases, so together that people wish they were you.

I think that is why I have such a love/hate relationship with Ree, the Pioneer Woman, Drummond.  Her blog life is what I call the 'picturesque implication of a stress free environment'. I think that's why so many of us are so captivated by her blog. She is probably not afraid of anything and probably has nothing to be afraid of! I wonder.....truth be known, behind her mask, she is probably a fraidy cat too. 

And so, I sit here tonight in the quiet of my home making a conscious decision to get up tomorrow and hack at the ivy of my life one more day. I will bask in the glow of other writers in various stages of their development.  I will contact this week's blog guest.  Here's a hint: she survived septic shock but lost her fingers and legs in the process.  I'm guessing she has a thing or two to share that will make the fraidy cats in my closet shiver in their timbers and start to pack. Whether they believe it or not, there is a new sheriff in town, and their days are numbered!

Come back tomorrow and bring a friend. I am so completely humbled that, here at the end of my 1st week of blogging, I have almost reached my 1 mo goal of 1K hits. Thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. Till we meet again, consider this encouragement:

Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.


  1. Ever since I started reading your blog, I've been thinking about what my fears really, truly are~giving them names, wich is something I hadn't done before. It's harder than I would have thought, but very enlightning. You know my prayers are with you :)

  2. What a coincidence that you mentioned naming them specifically. At my writer's group meeting this AM, one of the gals mentioned reading a book that dealt with naming fears specifically. I don't think I've ever really done it either, till now.

    I need to get the name of the book. I think it was 1,000 Blessings, but I'm not sure! Thanks for the feedback. I'm exhausted! Never knew writing could be so intense!

  3. I enjoyed reading your blog CA. I totally understand fear and not being able to stop! :) One thing I have read in the past couple weeks is that when I don't let others see my shortcomings then I miss out on displaying God's grace to others. When I am "me" fears and failures and all, God grace shines through me and helps others to say, "I can do this too." I thought that was really good. You are an amazing writer and I look forward to reading your blog! ~ Nicki Shadburn

  4. Nicki, yours were some sweet words to find upon signing on this AM. It is a pretty vulnerable feeling to put these thoughts out there.

    Thanks for dropping by! Keep coming and bring a friend. To that 'amazing writer' part, from your lips to God's ears!